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temporarily off blogspot. please visit me at my multiply site

http://eyeka.multiply.com

every Wednesday...

...i talk to my thesis adviser.
and thus every Wednesday i feel dumber than the previous Wednesday.

The sad thing is that it's not really my adviser but me. Yes me. dumb me. wow dummy! what a perfect combination. Here's the scene...

Marius: Ui!
Me: Wala pa si ma'am?
Marius: Wala pa e. Ma lelate daw sya. Tapos mo na ba?
( He is referring to the chapter1 thesis draft)
Me: Naku hindi pa. Hindi ko nga alam bakit ako andito e kasi tong nasa bag
ko isang malaking basura. di na nga tapos basura pa. Kaw ba?
Marius: Tapos na. Patingin nga nung sayo.
Me: Ayoko.
Marius: Cge na. Estudyante lang nman ako.
Me: Kahit bayaran mo pa ako ng isang milyon ayoko, hmmm pero baka hihihi...

Long story short, my classmate was able to finish his draft. It didn't even look like a draft, it was very well written. I would like to describe mine and truth be told I am fumbling for the right words because even the word "crap" is an understatement. When did I start making "crap"/s? It's just so disheartening. I crammed my way through Tuesday evening pretending to finish the first rough draft of my thesis. I really didn't want to see my adviser and talk about the shit I made. Wait, make that "unfinished" shit. And worse my time slot had me side by side to one of the best kids in class. His was not only finished, it was complete, presentable, thoughtful and polished. And of course anything beside/compared to mine will look like a million bucks. Vice versa, anything beside his draft was crap. Wow I'm celebrating that word now.

I really am not all too confident with what I'm doing. Yet I thought it over and realized I was making lectures rather than an intro for my thesis. I don't know where my common sense is nowadays. I've been reading too much nothing is actually perceived. Marius talked to me after my advisory and he was the most helpful. He gave me insights I was dying to hear. I may not be the best around but when you are in times like this, you really see the the bulb lit brightly up there.

Thanks man.

my understanding of postmodernism

I have been asking myself what postmodernism is and finally when I read through Dino Felluga's  "Introductory Guide to Critical Theory" ; I was able to patch/consolidate random ideas, notions, tenets of this buzz word cum milieu. I tried to read a couple of academic books from Hutcheon, Foucault and Barth yet it's just too hard to comprehend ideas when you need to consult the dictionary every second or two while reading their books. And as Banuk suggested reading forums, blogs and other online sites for a more comprehensible version of their philosophy will definitely help. And it did. Fortunately I came upon Felluga's site where-in all other general introductions to critical theories, not just postmodernism, were explained in bullets  and with very good examples.

Before this reading I had some concrete answers (yet to be verified) if someone asks me what postmodernism is. Postmodernism posits subjectivity (as the cartoon implies). There is no more one single Truth but only truths. It is characterized by a return to the classic but with a twist.

The last statement is definitely nuts. Now I seem to recognize that postmodernism is indeed literally "after" modernism by definition. However it is still arguable if it came directly from modernism or if it was a reaction to it. By the way, when we say modernity and postmodernity, we refer to the time and the society. When we use postmodernism we associate it with the arts and other representations. A time frame allows us to trace how we came into/upon postmodernism. The best analogy I could think of is fashion. I think we agree that fashion is composed (but not limited to) of "fads". These fads have their hiatus before they disappear as just another fad. Postmodernism embodies the recycling of ideas (fads) that were once espoused by previous movements. It is not as new concept since we have our versions of "neo": neo-classicism, neo-romanticism, neo-colonialism etc. Romantics reacted to the rigidity of classicists. Modernists reacted to the predictability of realists. This goes to show that the proceeding era is somehow always a reaction to the preceding era. These reactions were either due to discontent and disagreement such as the story of American modernists in Paris. 

Felluga's best method was to start with a brief and comprehensible summary of past movements and events towards a culmination of postmodernist theory. The sequence is as follows: Oral tradition, Renaissance, Reformation, Romanticism, Victorian , Moderni(ty)/ism, Postmoderni(ty)/ism. 

Oral Tradition: no laws, communal living, barter system, no authorship

Renaissance: start of scientific revolution, transition to a new perspective

Reformation: enlightenment, reason, self, classicism, science as truth

Romanticism: spontaneity, nature, free flow, masses, emotion, body

Victorian: middle class, domesticity, novel, utilitarianism, realism

Modernism: experimentation, radicalism, ambiguity, self reflexivity, alternatives, elitism

Yet postmodernism is hard to pin down in this context alone. It's like the term that cannot be defined and is better off when described through its characteristics. I will give it a try...

Postmodernism is extreme modernism. It is characterized by parody, irony, self reflexivity (one notch higher than that modernism), and disorientation.

These are the generalities. In detailed observation, we have (indeed) this innate urge to make fun of everything. We have the penchant to hark back to "old school" and mimic its forms, attributes, meanings as in parody. There is the incorporation of playfulness as we see shirts of "Tito Vic and Joey", Manilyn Reynes fan etc... This is the element of retro, which can be seen by using the past in totally different perspectives. The trend of parody in movies has never been so infamous as the likes of Not Another Teen Movie and  Scary Movies spoofed teen flicks and slasher films respectively. 

Modernism maybe the hiatus of experimentation as all the "isms" evolved during this time: impressionism, expressionism, cubism, dadaism, existentialism etc. They were at some point accused of being elitists since they avoided anything mediocre, normal, and commonplace. The intellectuals and artists have never been so absorbed in their own cliques. Postmodernism may also be experimental but not elitist as they sought to combine low and high elements of society in their artwork. Andy Warhol's campbell soup is a good example (though he can be seen as postmodern and modern) yet he was already in transition from incorporating Marcel Duchamp's modernist technique,"readymades", to being viewed as a postmodern artist. 

Disorientation is symptomatic in postmodernity as we invent new ways of presenting and translating ideas through truths that disorients the audience such as those in The Others, Sixth Sense, Vanilla Sky, Phonebooth etc. According to Felluga our pre-occupation has changed into paranoia of technology. Our fears are mirrored in pop culture as movies such as The Matrix, Minority Report, and Aeon Flux present paranoia and terror over what advanced technology e.g surveillance, cloning etc has done/ or will do to us.

The rejection of metanarratives led by Lyotard supports the idea that postmodernism believes in plurality. In all aspects of society either art, literature, history, and philosophy there are only truths, narratives, and histories. There is no one, monolithic, and totalizing interpretation of society as posited by metanarratives such as Marxism, Freudian theory, Christian religion, Enlightenment theory and other periodizations of history.

And lastly if you're wondering about the picture above; it's Frank O. Gehry's creation of the Nationale-Nederlanden in Prague Czech Republic. This is the ultimate example of postmodern architecture as it plays with structural forms creating a humorous illusion of a male and female dancing. (they have their hands held) They call it Fred and Ginger.

(i just had to let it out. thanks dino felluga) (critique by Jameson is yet to be included)

the original

nalulungkot ako bigla. i feel so alone. i feel like a complete loser. i don't know if it helps that im writing this down or maybe mas ina-underline ko lang ang pagbaba ng self esteem ko. wala naman ako nito masyado nung napupuno pa ako ng presensya ng mga taong i na allow ako maging ako. dun lang nman talaga tayo masaya diba? parang nababagalan ako sa usad ng buhay ko or more on parang di ko sya nararamdamang umuusad. tama ba yun? parang everyday walang fabulous na nangyayari o di nman kaya umuurong lahat sa buhay ko. nag umpisa ito ng makita ko ang ilang pictures ng mga kaibigan ko at not really mga kaibigan having the time of their lives vacationing. parang nakokonsume ako ng inggit na dapat e hindi ko nman nararamdaman. let me try to rephrase the word inggit kasi medyo may halo na syang sipa or sabunot, siguro more on hope. hope na sana one of these days i can also go on vacation where i know il just be myself with the people who matter most. i hate the feeling of losing belief in yourself because i believe (and i know many people do) that if you don't believe in yourself, then no one else would. to add to that i also believe kasi na we should surround ourselves with people who are greater than us or those who can give you a lesson or two. or perhaps just interesting people that can encourage and unleash your passion. i don't wanna be stagnant. i want my way out of this rut.

why is it so easy to procrastinate?

Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision.

I have this habit of cleaning my place before I do anything related to my studies. I make it a point that everything is spic and span, including myself, before I study. I make sure the sink is twinkling and the bathroom smells good. I also like to see my sheets all wrinkle free. The pillows arranged in such a way that when I look at them I want to go to bed. ( ha! which is a bad thing because it really happens... I go to bed. huhuhu) I then take a long shower to feel refreshed and I'm thinking it helps to concentrate when you smell good. Recently added bad habits: the coffee and the cigarette, huhuhu.

But as I finish all these delaying tactics I'm too tired to do anything. And as I have mentioned earlier the bed is summoning me to the hiatus of sleep. Lately what frustrates me more is the fact that I'm still not over "internet addiction" a.k.a browsing youtube endlessly, poking through other people's blogs (and feeling like a loser) and clicking on "check mail" every minute or so. To add to that, I feel like punching myself every hour I recognize I should be at my desk reading Baudolino. Why does it have to be you Bordlinong? huhuhu. Perhaps one good thing is that I'm over friendster. The thing is now annoying, probably because there's nothing new anymore. At least I have reduced the number of worthless sites I usually waste my time with.

I hope I don't do any more to do lists because obviously instead of helping me make things done, they just emphasize how irresponsible I am. It's like a slap on the face, "here are the things you didn't do today". (how do you make a sad face on this thing shet)

Perhaps to answer my question, procrastination is easy because doing things that you're not required to do are a lot more fun or SEEMS a lot more fun. The operative word here is "required".

...I'm creeping back to my desk now. (sad face)

mygad

Sa tingaltagal ko sa UP ngaun ko lang pinagtuunan ng pansin ang http://peyups.com. And take note di man lang ako naging member. I tried just two days ago and they're down because of abuse. hay. anyway, for the past five hours i am wasting my time doing nothing online. nagpapahinga ako kasi ang bwaka ng ina kong thesis pinagod ang utak, kamay at beauty ko. while i was browsing through forum threads in peyups i came across "quotable quotes" from professors. prior to thinking what i could share i was laughing real hard among what others mentioned. it made my useless time worthwhile. bwahahahahahaha

1) "Class, next week na lang ung result sa
exam nyo. I am having a hard time
checking it. I will seek first the
divine guidance on what to do about it.
Class dont worry about your grade. Let
me worry about it." Sir de jesus,envi sci 1

2) (valentines day)

"Ano ba yan? Students ba kayo ng UP?
Bakit ang bababa ng scores niyo?
Siguro wala kayong date ngayong
valentines kaya ganito kayo. Losers!!!
When i was your age i had a date. Hindi
ba naapektuhan ng UP FAIR
euphoria ng grades niyo? Parang di
kayo masaya..."

(sabay matching tapon ng quizzes sa
sahig)

"I won't record this. Go find a date."

(sabay walk out.) -Sir Doliente,BA.

3) Ma'am: Many people believe that we,
psychology graduates can read minds...
(silence) Actually, we can.

Class: Weh.. Sample..

Ma'am: Right now, you think that I'm
bluffin -Ma'am Chei Billedo, Psych

4) "I don't give surprise long exams. all
exams are announced. Halimbawa,
Class, mageexam tayo, NGAYON NA!" -Ma'am Chei (again)

Aika: hahahahahahhahahahahahhaha

5) "The human body is 70% water. Kaya wala
kayong kasaysayan lahat. Pag may
kaaway ka, sabihin mo sa kanya, TUBIG
KA
LANG!!! -Dr. Recio

Aika: hahahahahhahahaha i like

6) "Oo, nagpapaulan ako ng uno... baket?
aanhin ko ba nun? di naman ako
yayaman dun." -Sir Atoy Navarro, histo I

7) (commenting on a thesis of a senior
student)

'Yang thesis mo? .. Mamamatay ka!!
Mamamatay ka!!' - Dr. llanes, UPM.

8) "Nasa bandang gilid ang fallopian tube.
Kaya kung gusto niyong magka-anak
ng asawa niyo, dapat nakatagilid kayo
habang gumagawa." -Ma'am Meggie, Zoo 10

9) "Last sem was the first time that I
gave a grade of 5, and it felt good!!!"

Prof Goldie, Comm II, circa 1998, first
day of class

10) "atheist ako, pero pag nasa bahay, nagro rosary kami ng Nanay ko, eh kung magalit sa kin yun. "

--Socio 11 Prof

11) "Kahit magpakamatay ka pa di mo masasagot yang problem set na yan dahil pang-157 (phy chem II) yan!" - ibid

12) lahat tayo celebrity."

-mam gaying, MP10 class

13) ma'am *toot*: ano nga ba yung mga org na vinisit niyo? world vision, paws, KAgawad kalinga.
Aika: hahahahhahahahahha

14) alternately encouraging and disheartening ang drama nitong prof na'to.

Ito naman from our Prof. Ancient:
"Mga engineers? Nako. Bihira pumapasa sa BAR."

"UP ka nag-undergrad? Bright ka ba?"

"Sa mga taga-UP lang ako bilib eh. Pagpasok nila sa lawschool, hindi sila disoriented. Bilib ako sa study habits na meron yang mga batang yan. Some of them look like they eat kamote thrice a day, pero ang utak, di ututin!" (ewan ko kung matutuwa ako dito o hindi)

15) Aika: shet tawa ako ng tawa dito

"Listens!" -napagsama ni Prof B. ang silence at listen!

16) terror prof after an exam (last day na din ng class..): ok class.. see you next sem!

17) Classmate: Ma'am, pwede po bang next week na kami mag report?
Ma'am: Alam mo, God is good. And I am God. So yes, pwede next week.

18) "im gay. so gay i could show you my penis because it is but an accessory to my body" -jean navera, spcm1

19)
FIRST DAY OF CLASSES: "Kung may boyfriend o girlfriend kayo na hindi taga-UP, hiwalayan niyo na agad. Walang pupuntahan yan. Hindi kayo magkaka-intindihan. Tapos yung mga anak niyo, magiging bobo. Gusto niyo ba yun?"

ANOTHER PROF: "Hoy girls, wag kayong kukuha ng boyfriend dito sa UP. Pare-parehas tayong mahirap dito. Kumuha kayo ng mayaman. 80% of the child's intelligence comes from the Mother naman eh. Kayo guys, wag kayo kukuha ng bobong babae. Kahit matalino kayo, magiging bobo anak niyo."

"Class, Chinatown is not in China. And Ateneo de Manila University is not... a university."

STUDENT: Sir, pwede po magpa-sit in yung friends ko?
PROF: From what school are they?
STUDENT: St. Scho po.
PROF: "Go ahead. So they'll realize what they're missing. St. Scho, St. Scho... eskwelahan na ba yun sa inyo?!"

20) sorry class i'm late. grabe ang traffic sa EDSA, pero di ako dumaan doon! ~ acctg1 prof (dabest)

21) "class, alam nyo, ang mundo, bilog yan eh..."
-- first day of class sa kas 1 kay prof miranda

22) "si galileo, (tawa) hik hik hik hik..ayun si galileo (tawa) hik hik hik"
- dr. vivencio abastillas, nat sci 1
Aika: HAHAHAHAHAHHA

23) prof tiamson ng spanish, sa isang taga-uplb na nag-cross reg sa diliman at hindi makasagot nang tama:

"ayan, puro kasi buko ang kinakain nyo sa los baños."

the same one, nang may nag-sneeze sa class:

"naku! ano ba yang nakabara sa ilong mo? troso?!"

him again, when a student was late:

"hijo san ka ba nangga-galing?"
"quiapo po."
"quiapo lang pala eh. ako nga sa impyerno pa galing."

Aika: hahahahahahahahaha sa impyerno

24) "ano bang natapos mo? italian 8?"

"punyetissima!" (sosyal pati mura italian!)

"look at me i'm 433 years old pero ang lakas lakas ko pa. eh kung walang gulay eh di kakain na lang ako ng damo. kung wala eh di tubig, kung wala mag-ipon na lang ako ng laway."

-Sir Tiamson, Italian 11, this sem

Starting with The Thesis

I had to start over with everything. Gone is Simone de Bwavwah... hehe. I still would like to do feminism if given the chance or u know in the near future. But right now all forces of nature are combined to make this thesis happen. I have done a good job with the very first steps: going to class. Yeah I know it's way too early to commend myself but I have to say no absences so far even with nine hours of real work. hmmm. I firmly believe habits become one's lifestyle. So there I have vowed never to absent myself from class no matter what.

Now I have a topic: Umberto Eco's novels. The Name of the Rose. Foucault's Pendulum. The Island of the Day Before. Baudolino. I don't want to think it's too complex but yes at the back of my mind there are fears. But then I have faithfully acquired my mantra of focus. And as long as I still see The Problematique I'm good. I am into the quest for Truth. How is the Truth described, searched, defined, inflicted and speculated in his novels. I would like to focus in defining it through the characters of his novels. True enough why is this truth associated with all these male characters. Male, detective, intelligence, wisdom, philosophy, history, literature... he definitely is a cornucopia of ideas. I have this penchant to associate things in colors and this whole idea of Eco gives me blue. Why is that? Everything seems like a masculine perfume. For men. Howdy? That is not my focus here and forgive me for sidetracking to gender but it is worth the mention. don't you smell blue?

Anyway I decided to create profiles for all characters in these four novels. Im considering on working with just three of his novels. I have yet to decide which is which. Next post (this whole idea of chronicling my thesis is part of my advocacy to stay FOCUSED) I will comment on all these characters. I am not bored. Next mantra please...

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep. I listened to some songs I love in youtube. These are all love songs sang by women. I have a penchant for voices that sound like Jewel, lyrics that resembles Tori's poetry and plain classic love songs that twitch my heart. I cry listening to some of them. They transport me into this make believe rose colored world every once in awhile. Some of them I hate to admit I like.hahaha

Chantal Kreviazuk's Feels Like Home, Before You, In This Life

Anna Nalick's Breathe

Aqualung's Brighter Than Sunshine

Jet's Look What You've Done

Andrea Corr and Alejandro Sanz's duet The Hardest Day

Meatloaf and Marion's It's All Coming Back To Me Now

Chicago's If You Leave Me Now

Jewel's You Were Meant For Me

Tori Amos's A Sorta FairyTale

Thesis

I'm back to school. I'm not sure which emotion is stronger: happy, giddy or giddy, worried. But let's not start the semester on a sad note. The reason why I wrote this is because I want to somehow clear the clutter in my mind. Since the idea of going back to school drew nearer and nearer

(until I pay my fees) and is really now staring right in front of my face, I wanted so desperately to finalize what I should be writing for my thesis. What topic should I spend my sleepless nights with, drink my coffee with, pour my heart out, cry myself to sleep... okay that's too dramatic. But I am really confused, scared and challenged. At the back of my mind there's this voice shouting "bring it on", what the heck I am in my sixth year in college and though I don't want to think that I've got nothing to loose still that idea helps. To feel invinsible is my favorite.

Anyway that is just the start of it, you will see that the blaring picture on this post is that of de Beauvoir. Yes that was my topic before I left for LOA. I'm thinking of sticking to that topic since I'm most prepared of it and I'm very much conditioned of writing about the idea of this woman. But (there goes the big But) I have not narrowed down the topic. I know I will be writing about her 4 volume autobiography but what about it? What do I want to know, criticize, scrutinize about it? Let us breakdown this big block of an ice idea... Oh God help me, where is thy wisdom?

1. I want to write about women. That is something I'm willing to spend my time with. The negative side of it is that it's way overrated. Not the essence but the business of feminist struggle. But I so want it. It fires my interest. I remember the first lines of de Beauvoir's The Second Sex...

"For a long time I have hesitated to write a book on women. The subject is irritating, especially to women; and it is not new." (Introduction) xv.

That is exactly how I feel about it. Too much is too much. What else is there to say? I cannot even write impeccably in straight English much more create a critique of de Beauvoir's life. And my god almighty I can just imagine how many scholars have already written their piece about the life of this woman. She is The Simone de Beauvoir. It seems like I am writing a critique of Shakespeare and looked like a final paper for some English subject. huhuhu. I think I am substituting the idea of learning as I write my thesis to the grand idea of gaining expertise in feminism. Hay out of nowhere I remember who influenced me to be this way in the first place. No other than the great Odine de Guzman. She just does not know the impact she has on me.

2. I have a thing for autobiography and biography. I realized this when everytime I buy a book it's more important for me to read the author's life rather than the work. I make it a point to know how, where and what happened to the author. I am more interested in the lives of people. This goes to say I am a big gossip. haha. Thus it affirms my decision to write about de Beauvoir's autobiography. Unfortunately I have only finished reading the first book out of 4, I am starting to read the second one and I badly need time and space.

3. It intrigues me why Simone de Beauvoir had such attachment for Jean-Paul Sartre though she was a self confessed independent modern woman. That is the biggest question I have too. And I bet my lungs, eyes and beauty that a whole lot of speculation have already been written about it. Waaaahhhh. What do I have left to speculate?

I want to write about de Beauvoir that's for sure. I must think of other questions. Questions, questions, intelligent questions. I hope some people paging my friends to share something, anything that they may think about this damn woman. I am hopeful that something will come up for sure. I am not talking about an unevolving woman. If there's one thing about her it's the fact that she was not just one sided she was a woman who launched not a thousand but an institute about the history of women. If there really was woman.

I'll keep myself posted. haha.