lessons at twenty

warning: the next lines are sappy.but go on, once in a while we need and write sappy.

i've been to sadness before.like a child that feels so old walking through a green labyrinth. living in this constricted order i came across a new wave of sadness. i didn't know, though i had an idea, that there are a lot of severe sadness lurking in most places: different faces, different levels of intensity. at twenty and feeling oh so old and yet oh so petty i went through an excruciating meeting and chat and tea with sadness. im not sure though if sadness is a place, a time, a person; all i know is that it does make you feel old, so old.

sadness said the saddest would be an incompetent heart. it's like not feeling enough when we ought to feel otherwise. do you know the word "invincible"? it is its favorite word. in my late teens i learned that nobody can help you at your downest moment but yourself. same goes with nobody can love you genuinely but thyself because everybody and everyone else can only listen so much. nobody would understand that heart but the owner of that freezing heart. it's good to feel invincible. it's very psychological and it makes you realize you don't owe anyone any explanation which goes to say you have no right to live up to their expectation. it's yourself that you are responsible for.

yet this does not make sadness an absolute extremist of individualism. because we share sadness. it is social. and it is even contagious. but like all diseases we are extremely advised not to propagate this desolate state. when i felt alone, i hated the guts of the happy. and in doing so i forgot to live. talk about sweating the small stuff. i always standardize people without knowing i inflicted myself with so much burden atlas would come up and spank me. feeling alone is addictive. it's like a wound. you rinse it with water, dip it with alcohol and rub it gently and then vigorously until you're sure you cant feel the pain no more. but you know it's there: it's staring wildly at you.

*don't sweat the small stuff
*you're skin fits best
*i don't owe people an explanation
*i owe people i left an explanation
*i don't live up to your standards
*as long as it's comfortable it is good to go
*unique is definitive
*people are unpredictable. in life you'll meet not one, not two but
about five hundred. you talk with hem. sometimes you do more than that
and thus still keep abreast with yourself
*yourself is your bestfriend
*yourself is your greatesy enemy
(hmmm, which is heavier: best or great?)
*friends can only be friend so much
*you can ask for forgiveness
*about my chronic disease: indecisiveness:
decide on something. firmly. whether it is wrong or right.
at least when you make the wrong decision you did make one
and will resolve not to do it again.
*there is such a thing as blessing in disguise

i will add other cliches in the near future.

and i guess recently i also learned that bangs are not dead.