lao tzu at two am

being deeply loved by someone gives you strength
while loving someone deeply gives you courage
-Lao Tzu

here goes the mind of my genius. exactly fifteen days from now, goddess almighty will turn her clocks and take a long stride towards her twenties.

i am ramonito's little girl. the legacy of my big eyes certifies me as such. since i learned to eat durian my papa became my closest friend. he would comb my hair to a backward direction only fathers know how to.i looked ridiculous. but i didn't mind looking ridiculous for the rest of my childhood as long as papa was by my side. my mama was the terminator of my princessism. but she cooked my favorite adobo in the brownest and most delicious manner ever. i had my own share of yaya nightmares. we weren't rich but i did have fifteen or so helpers who loathed me by the time they packed their things to go home after a couple of weeks with me.
aking: lalalalalala
nancy: aking cgeg kalat. tama na
aking: wala kay trabaho kung di ko magkalat

i was six when pamela was born. ten when bea came. they were the chubbiest babies i have ever seen. believe it or not they could pass up as models for milk commercials because of their round,white, literal baby fats. you could then call me ate but i was never a good one. i was a living hell to them. i am not good you know. i want my ways. thanks to six years of unicahisms, i had a long struggle toward maturity.

fast forward.

i rushed my way to the escalator of the mrt station. my strides characterized urgency. each step my foot took to travel my night routine reminded me that i was islands away from home and that i was earning a living for myself. how old is this i--is-selfish? nineteen. good grievance her mind thinks at fory with pride and indignation towards the shallow, the selfish, the bourgeoise and the sexist. where have all the in-between-years? i shrugged because i know that all the people in this world couldn't take note of every single detail of change that time has created. i didn't but i felt it.

a couple across the mrt couldn't care less with their heads and lips everywhere, loitering. i lowered my eyes. and thought of relationships as i always do. like breathing i think of people, situations and psyches like i was god almighty. i know i know nothing. but i know for a fact that it maybe the luckiest knowledge if not th unluckiest. no mediocre knowledge please. before i reach the inevitable twenty, i longed to stop and be the smilee girl who meets her boyfriend, have girls night outs and cram for her nursing exams. then i thought otherwise.

i love being the girl who sleeps at six, hated for her guts because she's always late, kissing her girlfriends because they are beautiful, her mother calling because she texted her to give a wake up call at 11am for her class, missing the thespian and wondering where on earth could she find a friend of her mind.

ramonita's girl has gone a long way, at least i want to put it that way. but like all warrior songs, she also needs a little loving dodu goooguu to keep her human, beautifully.

lao tzu's what im unconsciously (haha) consciously waiting for. either way it will be good to become strong or courageous once in this tedious lifetime.