orange suicidals (its color) (its vivid)

ive had my nails painted orange. its not the way i feel. i feel blue. a bit dark.i thought of crying in the rain. it makes a lot of sense. art garfunkel's crying in the rain really makes me cry. (so what?) nothing. =D

how many times do you feel suicidal? Once? Twice? never? good for you. ive thought about it twice. every night. tal should be blamed for this.

"if you need to leave the world you live in, lay your head down and stay awhile. Though you may not remember dreaming, something waits for you to breathe again"- amelie

but i know this is fleeting. i love my life and im living it and loving it. there are just some moments you want to disappear in midair with your orange nails and find yourself doing nothing in a green, serene place. away from all your to-do-list...

in time =D

-How do you numb your skin
after the warmest touch
how do you slow your blood
after the body rush
how do you free your soul
after youve found a friend
how do you teach your heart
its a crime to fall in love again

new year.and im starting out with jan arden's "insensitive". it doesn't seem right for me to update what transpired by the ber months of 2005 because i am moving on, actually forcing myself to move on. hehehe. i remember myself saying, "hindi ako takot masaktan marvz kasi alam ko marami akong kaibigang sasalo sa akin",and I was hundred percent right about it. But I am hurting. The biggest lesson I have learned last year is to take control of myself because my friends can only do so much. Everything is up to me in the end.

i have never felt this way. the four letter word that is behind our existence. (aside from God)romantically. i indulged myself forgetting every hurt there is in store for me. i couldn't care less as long as i am happy right at that moment. i don't believe in it but experience tells you otherwise. It feels great to be hurt as much as it feels excrutiatingly painful to be hurt. You feel the extremes and by the end of the day you just have to talk to yourself and decide to help yourself anyway. Definitely I have learned a lot about myself. How I was so capable. How I could be very vulnerable. (comon aika)

I want him to find himself. I want his happiness. with all honesty I want all his problems solved. He deserves to be loved. I could listen to him for hours, years and maybe centuries if that's all there is to ease his pain. I guess I did.And God knows how I have learned to accept it day by day that I was not for him. (eeeewwww, OA to alam ko)

But I agree with tal that there is no such thing as "meant". Life is changing and everything is a process. If you will yourself, if I help myself things will work for me the way I want it to be. But I cannot discount all the things in between.

For now, I am into jan arden, chantal kreviazuk, lara fabian, norah jones...

In time, I might sing a new tune. in time. =D