i can't resist

im suppose to just spend thirty minutes on the internet. addict! i need to write. right now.

i feel so childish.

i can't go into the details but i am having this stupid infatuation. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

and naa koy gut feeling na nkakita ang bangug sa ako gsuwat. putek.

im stupid.

im stupid.

i better disguise myself for life.

this shit is getting 84 percent of my thinking time. bullshit.

aika tigilan mo na to parang awa mo na. alam momg alam na alam mo na wala na man talaga at wala ka talagang mapapala. ilang beses na bang laging ganito. nakakapagod kaya yun. masaya ka lang dapat. huwag kang feeling. wag kang manakit ng kapwa. sya sya. yellow devil na. sya sya. help!!!!!!

tanga ako

someone read this and im dead. red devil. im stupid. better that i changed it to pink devil. i hate myself. im assuming to the next level. i hate this. after i prayed and went to church with all my heart and with a crying heart.after asking for forgiveness for three years of outright unchristianity and unselfishness. i feel disgusted over my previous post. i better delete it. syet. lord help me once again. peace of mind.im sorry.

is there something bad about being funny?

is there something bad about being funny? a defense mechanism? or just the way i am? there's nothing really deep about this question. it just occured to me that maybe humor is negative? i really don't know. i know i sound very vague. there's just some thoughts running through my mind these past few days.

i like someone right now. he's a farfetched dream. i know this is just another petty petty glass .haha. he just pops into my mind thus making me travel on a bus to a land i don't belong, a place of contradiction on my part, a place where im not supposed to be and maybe a place i should have left since june. hah. but im still going to that place for, i guess a lot of reasons and maybe ... tadaaa motivation?

to make this more vague, it came to me again how come i am still searching for love. the previous statement is not vague but vague still in the sense that it's still a rhetorical question since june 2003. and i hope it would drift away sometime in july 2005. O? it's july. awww i guess it would never drift. how i wish it would. by then IT will happen.

again this is petty. but that's not the point. i thought about this for days , for months hihi, for i don't know when. and i don't know when it ould just disappear along with the wind and carry a sweeper of my feet.

again there's no answer just yet. and this goes the same to my "funny -oriented" question.

pagmumulat muli at muli at muli

siguro, una sa lahat magpapasalamat ako kay ron at sa up rep. hehehe sobrang dami na naman ng natutunan ko noong nakaraang miyerkules sa mobilisasyon na naganap sa ayala. isang pagmumulat muli at muli at muli... nasaksihan ko na naman ang sandamakmak na tao ng nakikiisa sa pagpapatalsik kay gloria macapagal arroyo. isang malaking people power na naman kaya ang magaganap o isang mahabang proseso ng due process na kailanma'y hindi na naging bago sa mata ng mga pilipino?

ewan ko ba kung nag - aaktib - aktiban lang ako o sadyang sobra ang ka - agitan na aking naramdaman ng marinig ko ng buo ang gloria tape. talumpung minuto ng pandidiri at galit ang iyong mararamdaman sa pakikinig sa nasabing tape. si gloria, si barbers, si mike at si garci. isang kahindikhindik na PANDARAYA. totohanan. kaya nangagalaiti ako sa mga taong nagsasabi na sadyang hindi totoong nanadaya si gma dahil lamang sa tape. pakinggan lamang ninyo ito at itataya ko kamay ko kung masasbi ninyong isang pangulong may kredibilidad ang naghahari sa atin ngayon at tila walang planong bumaba sa pwesto.

siguro too late na ang mga reaksyon ko pero talagang sobra ang naramdaman ko sa mga pag - uusap ni garci at gma. 1million, 70,000 votes? ipakidnap ang pamilya, dagdagan? malinis ang pagkagawa? may teacher witness daw ang kabila? baka madali ako niyan? tulungan mo garci si bobby kasi loyal yan?

nakakatakot.

sobrang dami ng katanungan na bumabagabag sa akin ngayon.


national coalition government. tunay na reporma. national democratic movement. pagbaklas sa sistemang kolonyal, imperyalista, elitista, patriarkal at kapitalista.
pagtanggal sa mga batas na anti - mamamayan tulad ng VAT, oil deregulation law atbp.nationalismo.

marami pa. at siguro nga sobrang konti lamang ang aking nalalaman. subalit alam ko na ayoko manatili ang kasalukuyang sistemang lumalaganap sa aking bayan. alam kong marami pa akong dapat gawin maliban sa pagtutula - dula. marami pa akong internal na kontradiksyon dahil sa sitemang lumalamon sa atin. isa itong napakalaking hamon. tunay akong nasasaktan sa mga nagwawalang bahala, mga dating ako, na walang pakialam sa pagkat hindi nila nararnasan ang nararanasan ng karamihang Pilipinong naghihirap, pinagsasamantalahan.

very given. very obvious.


napapaiyak ako sa kantang, "bayan ko hindi pa tapos ang laban mo. isulong mo, isulong mo rebolusyon ni bonifacio..."


ano kaya title nito?

ano kaya nag mag susunod na magaganap sa kasalukuyang tensyon?

indecisive for the past 18 years

I have been wanting to write all the bottled spasms welling inside.I have long been confused, long been tired, long been sleeping and long been thinking of everything. It's hard to think of everything I realized just then.It's hard to justify why you do one thing and unprioritize the other and sometimes be left hurting over idle times, the happiest times.

Yes, I have never thought that the idle times would actually be my refuge. ANd right now I love refuge more than anything else.But then how come I always feel so rotten after neglecting my responsibilities. Take this, I already have three absences in a major subject. (that's consecutive) the fourth day I went to class and was bombarded with an examination which I absolutely knew nothing about. Thus, a big zero.I have one absence for each of my six classes.Two for weight training. I had already three mediocre reports for different majors all hurriedly researched, read and composed around the wee hours of 4am to 12 noon. I sleep in class for one thing. I go to class unprepared and just keep mum for the rest of the period without contributing to the discussion, tantamount to i-feel-so-dull-and-stupid-plus-sleepy-amidst-energetic-bright-not-haggard-UP-students.And I have UP Repertory Company. A long colorful story of a rebirth, an awakening of 17 years of ceaseless passivity and a realization of a dream. UP Rep, I could say, like my child, though ironically i am her child, is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.Plus a bunch of happy, sad and agitated stories I could never leave behind.

And now comes "call centering". My new found life and a need. Who would like to lleave something that gives you 5thou every 15 days. The source and support of my air - conditioned room, my ukay sprees, my books and readings, my unlimited food trips, my unsolicited gifts for my sisters,my existence in the most mundane perspective and I guess real independence from my parents. Who wouldn't want to "unburden" your mama and papa? i can't leave as of now.Maybe for the money or for someone? (sh*t)

MAybe I need a strong sense of decision. A self check. and it's so hard to decide. (ka level ng death is inevitable! putek)(hello aika? kumusta tayo diyan? pagdedecide ba kamo? kulelat tayo diyan! gaga! ni flavor ng century tuna di ka nga makapagdecide e)There.Am I doomed? By my own self? This is really hard. And I know this is not an isolated case. Other people out there are far more experiencing a complexity more complicated than mine. But the point is my complexity, my contradictions.Or is it selfishness?

help

i just can't resist.

it's an overrated topic. but i badly need real advice. how do I stop myself from sleeping from nine to ten hours a day?

true. i get home at around 8am and I sleep at around that hour and the next thing would be waking up at around 9-10pm. very unproductive meaning I am not able to exert any effort for my studies (at all) and my other big responsibilities just because of oversleeping. sometimes i even think im experiencing a sleeping disorder. i don't even wake up in between those times. just straight sleep and unproductivity. and worse once im able to wake up and dress myself for the start of my day (which is roughly 10pm putek)i am still sleepy. this is scary.

help.

my roommates even played about this. just yesterday they were betting on me while i was sleeping (again). They were making a bet on what time i would most likely wake up. ("anong oras kaya gigising si aking? vhanuk:3pm, crystal:6pm kung sino mananalo ililibre ni aking sa mcdo) and i woke up at 1:30pm. amazing. but that's not the end of the story. i slept again at around 4pm after eating lunch and woke up at 9pm. shit.

please help me.

by the way i am working at night from 11pm to 6am. sometimes 3am. =(