one wednesday, i was in church

I went to church last wednesday. Amazing because i don't go to church. not since 2003? and guess what I was doing there? I was crying. and i was asking papa jesus to forgive me. for the nth time.


i was walking the streets of Ortigas on my way home at about 9 in the morning. This is the next ordinary thing in my life for thing past three months. And whether it's believable or not Im always smiling and singing happy tunes everytime im walking along the streets of skyscraper-infested Ortigas. But this was a different day, I was talking to myself aloud and I was crying from a burdened heart.People were interestingly looking at me, most of them were construction workers bound for work. I might as well read their minds. "what's up with this hiskul girl here, and my o my she's talking...to herself!"

I was tired because I am sinful in all the literal ways and it struck me that it may be the Main reason of my random unhappiness. Last week, I was always absent in class especially my TF classes because I sleep. I always sleep and that's given. I was also absent from work roughly twice a week with so much conviction that I should be studying. Plus I am very inactive nowadays in UPRep. I curse myself for missing SONA. For the past days I also spend my hard earned money unwisely.

These can all be summarized as aika's capital sins slash unhappiness...

1.oversleeping
2.sloth
3.hedonist
4.lack of discipline
5.irresponsible


I would also like to share the trigger elements: I was attending the genmeet last tuesday and I am not performing well at work. i have zero sales. It bothers me big time.


There I was kneeling, praying and crying. I was talking penance here and that He would grant me a lighter heart. Peace of mind.

Lastly, I find it funny because everytime a person prays it's like talking to oneself in the most intimate way...

"lord, gusto ko lang naman matuto. mag-aral ng mabuti. gusto ko po magbasa ng magbasa. matutunan ang mundo, teorya at realidad. gusto ko rin makatulong sa nanay at tatay ko. kaya nga ako ngtratrabaho, hindi lang for financial independence but for my parents also...bigyan niyo po ako ng tamang motivation.alam kong gumagalaw ang mundo at ang tao in partikular dahil sa isang inspirasyon o kaya maraming inspirasyon at ideolohiya. mahal ko po ang pilipinas. kaya nga lahat ay alay dito. isang pahkilos at walang katapusang hangad ng pagbabago.at syempre gusto ko po ng companion. yung uupo sa tabi ko at kikilalanin ako. makikinig sa jokes ko. gusto ko rin pong umarte sa entablado. masilayan ang ngiti ng manonood at makita na naenlightened sila sa iyong performance. napanganga. ay sobrang dami pala..."

i didn't ask these things to papa jesus. only forgiveness and peace of mind. because we have long had this pact that certain sacrificies must be done to attain the most important things in my life.

right now, just the right inspiration, peace of mind and sales. =D