indecisive for the past 18 years

I have been wanting to write all the bottled spasms welling inside.I have long been confused, long been tired, long been sleeping and long been thinking of everything. It's hard to think of everything I realized just then.It's hard to justify why you do one thing and unprioritize the other and sometimes be left hurting over idle times, the happiest times.

Yes, I have never thought that the idle times would actually be my refuge. ANd right now I love refuge more than anything else.But then how come I always feel so rotten after neglecting my responsibilities. Take this, I already have three absences in a major subject. (that's consecutive) the fourth day I went to class and was bombarded with an examination which I absolutely knew nothing about. Thus, a big zero.I have one absence for each of my six classes.Two for weight training. I had already three mediocre reports for different majors all hurriedly researched, read and composed around the wee hours of 4am to 12 noon. I sleep in class for one thing. I go to class unprepared and just keep mum for the rest of the period without contributing to the discussion, tantamount to i-feel-so-dull-and-stupid-plus-sleepy-amidst-energetic-bright-not-haggard-UP-students.And I have UP Repertory Company. A long colorful story of a rebirth, an awakening of 17 years of ceaseless passivity and a realization of a dream. UP Rep, I could say, like my child, though ironically i am her child, is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.Plus a bunch of happy, sad and agitated stories I could never leave behind.

And now comes "call centering". My new found life and a need. Who would like to lleave something that gives you 5thou every 15 days. The source and support of my air - conditioned room, my ukay sprees, my books and readings, my unlimited food trips, my unsolicited gifts for my sisters,my existence in the most mundane perspective and I guess real independence from my parents. Who wouldn't want to "unburden" your mama and papa? i can't leave as of now.Maybe for the money or for someone? (sh*t)

MAybe I need a strong sense of decision. A self check. and it's so hard to decide. (ka level ng death is inevitable! putek)(hello aika? kumusta tayo diyan? pagdedecide ba kamo? kulelat tayo diyan! gaga! ni flavor ng century tuna di ka nga makapagdecide e)There.Am I doomed? By my own self? This is really hard. And I know this is not an isolated case. Other people out there are far more experiencing a complexity more complicated than mine. But the point is my complexity, my contradictions.Or is it selfishness?