loving don juan

let me just repost agnes's entry about don juan de marco. i will never forget to see things beyond my eyesight. it won't hurt if you try.


"What would you say to someone that said
that this was a psychiatric hospital,
that you're a patient here, and I'm your psychiatrist?"
..."I would say that he has a rather limited
and uncreative way of looking at the situation."

There are those who do not believe that a single soul born in heaven can split into twin spirits and shoot like falling stars to earth. Where over oceans and continents, their magnetic forces will finally unite them back into one. But how else to explain love at first sight?

Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman, the closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder, does a Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist when he coaxes a single perfect note from its heart?

Have you ever met a woman who inspires you to love until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her, you taste her, you see your unborn children in her eyes and know that your heart has at last found a home. Your life begins with her, and without her, it must surely end.

Have you ever tasted a woman until she believed that she could be satisfied only by consuming the tongue that had devoured her?

Have you ever loved a woman until milk leaked from her as though she had just given birth to love itself and now must feed it or burst?

Have you ever loved a woman so completely that the sound of your voice in her ear could cause her body to shudder and explode with such intense pleasure that only weeping could bring her full release?

A woman's underclothing barely touches her skin, it rides in a cushion of air as she moves, the silk floats about her body, brushing her flesh like an angel's wings. And I understood how a woman must be touched.

There are those who do not share my perceptions when I say that all my women are dazzling beauties. But I see these women for how they truly are. Glorious, radiant, spectactular, and perfect. Because I am not limited by my eyesight.

Women react to me the way that they do because they sense that I search out the beauty within them until it overwhelms everything else and they cannot avoid their desire to release that beauty and envelope me in it. The way the woman's body is made, the way the man's body responds to it, the intense desire to merge as one.

You need me for a transfusion because your own blood has turned to dust
and clogged your heart. Your need for reality, for a world where love is flawed, will choke your veins until all the life is gone. My perfect world is no less real. Yet it is only in my world that you can breathe.

What is this thing with age? Why does everyone want to pervert love and suck it bone-dry of all its glory? Why do you bother to call it love anymore?

lovely shoes

nothing is more liberating than to fight for a cause, larger than youreself, something that encompasses you, but is not defined by your existence.

when boredom strikes...

...you succumb to loneliness.

that's exactly how Im feeling right now. I miss Bislig. I decided not to go home for semestral break. Reason: I feel more mature than ever since I learned how P6000 could be alloted for more important things rather than spending it in two weeks of bumming in Bislig.

In exchange, im oversleeping, over eating while time and supplies last! hekhek. As much as I want to explore luzon, money constraints, a forever problem, hinders such endeavors.

IMPORTANT:

I was so happy last monday because I made Marvin happy. A long story but it's strange how I almost forgot to feel that feeling I felt with Marvin. friendship 101.

thanks to kuya mark. he never fails to amaze me and keep me hooked up with my phone. syet text galore.

we have new members! I love you kaye, val and anjica!

"Ayyyeyay, got a feeling that i belong! ayeyay.. got a feeling that I could be someone be someone! " =D

But as Ive said and as this blog says, im bordering to super loneliness...

its very hard to explain. feelings just have that innate quality to become lonely, happy, lonely then poof, unexplainable! =(

bagong number na naman

bagong number na naman kasi nawala ko yung new number ko sa induction.

09206252715

=D =(

=D =(

happy birthday ko ngayon

hala nineteen years old na ako. birgin!

ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang isang ordinaryong birthday. yung walang selebrasyon. kasi ba naman sinanay ako ng mga taong nakapalibot lagi sa akin ng isang mapagkain, mabarkada, maperang birthday. pero hindi naman malungkot ang birthday ko ngayon. bagong twist nga kasi "solitude" ang ambiance.

kanina paggissing ko nakakapanibago kasi wala na akong cellphone. naslashan ako ng bag noong nakaraang huwebes habang nakasakay ako sa philcoa jeep. hindi ako nakahanay sa mga tangang nawawalan ng cellphone bawat minuto. ang cellphone kong 3310 ay simula third year high school pa ako nun. third year college na ako, buhay pa siya hanngang noong alas syete ng september29. =( masaya pa naman yung kwento noong pagkanakaw kasi vivid na vivid pa siya sa isip ko. akala ko magnet, cellphone ko na pala yung natangay.

anyway, birthday ko ngayon. ayun nakakapanibago (as i was saying) kasi mga 12 midnight nagtototoot na yan sa mga greetings. lahat naman tayo ganun e pag birthday. pero kaninang umaga, utot lang ang nagtotoot. kabag lang. happy birthday aika! happy birthday kang! happy birthday king!

birthday ko na. nineteen na ako. medyo matanda na. medyo lang kasi mukha pa naman akong twelve. ksing ganda ng sixteen. kasing rikit ng eighteen. haay ang sarap magbirthday.

ang wish ko sa birthday ko pera at tsaka health ng tatay at nanay at mga kapatid ko at tsaka boypren at tsaka matataas na grade at tsaka cellphone. =D

mabait pa naman si lord kasi binigyan pa niya ako ng dalawang magulang na sa pakiramdam ko naman ay mahal ako.

bibili na cguro ako ng cellphone ngayong miyerkules or baka bukas!


maligayang kaarawan aika!
salamat ng marami aika!

=D

group shinger

Alfonso Cuaron's y tu mama tambien does magic.

Threesome was never one of my sexual fantasies.


But as I watched Y Tu Mama Tambien for the second time last Thursday night, I think the whole idea is negotiable. hihihi. But I'd prefer two gorgeous men and of course the goddess yours truly. I have one specific guy in mind and Im still in search for the other one. Hah! Thank God our imagination is free. If only it's not hilarious if I say that Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna are quite feasible, I would only do threesome with them and no one else. Heaven's mouth? Heaven, Hell, Earth and Purgatory's Mouth.

It was a damn cold night. My two other roomies were all crouched in our own beds as we watched the movie with lights off. It was raining hard and it was really cold. Literally. The scenes were ohhhhh, indescribable? let's say heaven's mouth na lang. It's a give a way if I say what we did after watching it. Just imagine the ambiance. The next thing we knew, we were perspiring?

Kanya - kanya


(with apologies to my roomies, just can't help but share)

sem end sem end (this is what you call useless ranting)

Blokeee.

I can't think of anything. Ironic, especially since all of us are thinking a lot of things every day. What I'm trying to say is that I can't think of anything relevant to write about.

I missed our alumni homecoming party last night. But I can congratulate myself because I said "No". I said no into joining Rep (when God knows Im dying to be with them especially last night's party hopping) and chose to be with my "Feminist and Postmodernist" readings. (sigh)

Anyway, there, I was home alone hitting my books. No time for shinger because as all students (UP students esp) know it's the end of the sem and everyone's into cramming and catching up. And I think everyone will agree when I say that there was not a time through out the whole semester that I, we felt relaxed because every single day felt like hell days. True. It's strange when all of a sudden by the end of September everyone's trying to catch up and cram when all through out the sem we crammed. Million sighs.

So we come to the jest because it's practically useless ranting. I hope I'll go home this sembreak satisfied with my academic performance.

BLOOOG!

The above statement never happened to me for the past two years in college.

REPISTS! (ang ganda nung naka green! i notice niyo!bwahaha)

presenting the up repertory company and myself...sponsored by happy toothpaste!

material girl

I tried to promise not to write about myself anymore. I guess I did not realize it’s going to be this hard. I miss my blog. And I miss having my pictures displayed all over my virtual life from this blog, to my friendster account and even my photobucket account. Yes, I am that narcissistic.

Well, there’s really no significant objective for this entry. It’s just im all alone in our room after I’ve finished cleaning it, took a bath and did my laundry; it’s so quiet and tal’s laptop just seems to invite me to write. There. With a glass of cold milo, im here wanting to capture everything that’s been going through my life since August started.

Hmmmm… I guess it won’t hurt if I share my misfortunes since last week. It’s not that I want to recall all of them, how I cried hard and all the bad vibes, maybe just to remind everyone that the worst really happens and you are left to handle the wrathful aftermath.


1. my favorite P250 worth bright orange umbrella was stolen
2. I was not able to take my first major exam in CL150 (a major)
3. A classmate borrowed my readings and she failed to return it ( she’s forgiven)
4. my ATM account was closed
5. my prof blamed me for not returning a set of readings which an irresponsible classmate borrowed from me.

and just some of the new things lately

1. I resigned from my part time job
2. my face is infested with pimples
3. my stupid haircut


I know no one would care to read this, except for Agnes, Mary Ann and Joy. Still, it’s really therapeutic to express life’s cruelties especially since you get more patient each day. Patient in the since that you breath in and breath out to stop yourself from murdering someone. TO the conscienceless person who stole my umbrella, to my classmate who told me that there was only discussion last meeting and no mention of test (the fact that it was my first time to be absent from that class), to the one who borrowed my readings, god bless you!


And I think, it feels good to stop working. Enough said. And sad in a way since im materialistic. Bye bye ukay2x, food trips, mcflurry, gifts galore…enough said material girl!

my new LSS

halos araw araw, minuminuto ko itong kinakanta... nasusuka na si tal at vhanuk. at minsan ako din. kaso gusto ko siya at may naaalala ako sa kanya. wala masaya lang ako. =D


People Are People
D'sound

I am the one
Who believes in all that you say
I am the one
Who never wants to define herself
I am the one
Who’s paralell, upfront, behind
I am the one
Paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme
A lot, too much, standing tall
And i’m crying in the valley:
“i shall never, ever fallen”

People are people
And i feel so strong
People are people and i’m
Going on

I am the one
Who stirrs it up everytime
I am the one
Who never knows how close she is
I am the one
Who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one
Trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail
And i’m crying on the stagefloor:
“i will always prevailing!”

I’m going on…

one wednesday, i was in church

I went to church last wednesday. Amazing because i don't go to church. not since 2003? and guess what I was doing there? I was crying. and i was asking papa jesus to forgive me. for the nth time.


i was walking the streets of Ortigas on my way home at about 9 in the morning. This is the next ordinary thing in my life for thing past three months. And whether it's believable or not Im always smiling and singing happy tunes everytime im walking along the streets of skyscraper-infested Ortigas. But this was a different day, I was talking to myself aloud and I was crying from a burdened heart.People were interestingly looking at me, most of them were construction workers bound for work. I might as well read their minds. "what's up with this hiskul girl here, and my o my she's talking...to herself!"

I was tired because I am sinful in all the literal ways and it struck me that it may be the Main reason of my random unhappiness. Last week, I was always absent in class especially my TF classes because I sleep. I always sleep and that's given. I was also absent from work roughly twice a week with so much conviction that I should be studying. Plus I am very inactive nowadays in UPRep. I curse myself for missing SONA. For the past days I also spend my hard earned money unwisely.

These can all be summarized as aika's capital sins slash unhappiness...

1.oversleeping
2.sloth
3.hedonist
4.lack of discipline
5.irresponsible


I would also like to share the trigger elements: I was attending the genmeet last tuesday and I am not performing well at work. i have zero sales. It bothers me big time.


There I was kneeling, praying and crying. I was talking penance here and that He would grant me a lighter heart. Peace of mind.

Lastly, I find it funny because everytime a person prays it's like talking to oneself in the most intimate way...

"lord, gusto ko lang naman matuto. mag-aral ng mabuti. gusto ko po magbasa ng magbasa. matutunan ang mundo, teorya at realidad. gusto ko rin makatulong sa nanay at tatay ko. kaya nga ako ngtratrabaho, hindi lang for financial independence but for my parents also...bigyan niyo po ako ng tamang motivation.alam kong gumagalaw ang mundo at ang tao in partikular dahil sa isang inspirasyon o kaya maraming inspirasyon at ideolohiya. mahal ko po ang pilipinas. kaya nga lahat ay alay dito. isang pahkilos at walang katapusang hangad ng pagbabago.at syempre gusto ko po ng companion. yung uupo sa tabi ko at kikilalanin ako. makikinig sa jokes ko. gusto ko rin pong umarte sa entablado. masilayan ang ngiti ng manonood at makita na naenlightened sila sa iyong performance. napanganga. ay sobrang dami pala..."

i didn't ask these things to papa jesus. only forgiveness and peace of mind. because we have long had this pact that certain sacrificies must be done to attain the most important things in my life.

right now, just the right inspiration, peace of mind and sales. =D

i can't resist

im suppose to just spend thirty minutes on the internet. addict! i need to write. right now.

i feel so childish.

i can't go into the details but i am having this stupid infatuation. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

and naa koy gut feeling na nkakita ang bangug sa ako gsuwat. putek.

im stupid.

im stupid.

i better disguise myself for life.

this shit is getting 84 percent of my thinking time. bullshit.

aika tigilan mo na to parang awa mo na. alam momg alam na alam mo na wala na man talaga at wala ka talagang mapapala. ilang beses na bang laging ganito. nakakapagod kaya yun. masaya ka lang dapat. huwag kang feeling. wag kang manakit ng kapwa. sya sya. yellow devil na. sya sya. help!!!!!!

tanga ako

someone read this and im dead. red devil. im stupid. better that i changed it to pink devil. i hate myself. im assuming to the next level. i hate this. after i prayed and went to church with all my heart and with a crying heart.after asking for forgiveness for three years of outright unchristianity and unselfishness. i feel disgusted over my previous post. i better delete it. syet. lord help me once again. peace of mind.im sorry.

is there something bad about being funny?

is there something bad about being funny? a defense mechanism? or just the way i am? there's nothing really deep about this question. it just occured to me that maybe humor is negative? i really don't know. i know i sound very vague. there's just some thoughts running through my mind these past few days.

i like someone right now. he's a farfetched dream. i know this is just another petty petty glass .haha. he just pops into my mind thus making me travel on a bus to a land i don't belong, a place of contradiction on my part, a place where im not supposed to be and maybe a place i should have left since june. hah. but im still going to that place for, i guess a lot of reasons and maybe ... tadaaa motivation?

to make this more vague, it came to me again how come i am still searching for love. the previous statement is not vague but vague still in the sense that it's still a rhetorical question since june 2003. and i hope it would drift away sometime in july 2005. O? it's july. awww i guess it would never drift. how i wish it would. by then IT will happen.

again this is petty. but that's not the point. i thought about this for days , for months hihi, for i don't know when. and i don't know when it ould just disappear along with the wind and carry a sweeper of my feet.

again there's no answer just yet. and this goes the same to my "funny -oriented" question.

pagmumulat muli at muli at muli

siguro, una sa lahat magpapasalamat ako kay ron at sa up rep. hehehe sobrang dami na naman ng natutunan ko noong nakaraang miyerkules sa mobilisasyon na naganap sa ayala. isang pagmumulat muli at muli at muli... nasaksihan ko na naman ang sandamakmak na tao ng nakikiisa sa pagpapatalsik kay gloria macapagal arroyo. isang malaking people power na naman kaya ang magaganap o isang mahabang proseso ng due process na kailanma'y hindi na naging bago sa mata ng mga pilipino?

ewan ko ba kung nag - aaktib - aktiban lang ako o sadyang sobra ang ka - agitan na aking naramdaman ng marinig ko ng buo ang gloria tape. talumpung minuto ng pandidiri at galit ang iyong mararamdaman sa pakikinig sa nasabing tape. si gloria, si barbers, si mike at si garci. isang kahindikhindik na PANDARAYA. totohanan. kaya nangagalaiti ako sa mga taong nagsasabi na sadyang hindi totoong nanadaya si gma dahil lamang sa tape. pakinggan lamang ninyo ito at itataya ko kamay ko kung masasbi ninyong isang pangulong may kredibilidad ang naghahari sa atin ngayon at tila walang planong bumaba sa pwesto.

siguro too late na ang mga reaksyon ko pero talagang sobra ang naramdaman ko sa mga pag - uusap ni garci at gma. 1million, 70,000 votes? ipakidnap ang pamilya, dagdagan? malinis ang pagkagawa? may teacher witness daw ang kabila? baka madali ako niyan? tulungan mo garci si bobby kasi loyal yan?

nakakatakot.

sobrang dami ng katanungan na bumabagabag sa akin ngayon.


national coalition government. tunay na reporma. national democratic movement. pagbaklas sa sistemang kolonyal, imperyalista, elitista, patriarkal at kapitalista.
pagtanggal sa mga batas na anti - mamamayan tulad ng VAT, oil deregulation law atbp.nationalismo.

marami pa. at siguro nga sobrang konti lamang ang aking nalalaman. subalit alam ko na ayoko manatili ang kasalukuyang sistemang lumalaganap sa aking bayan. alam kong marami pa akong dapat gawin maliban sa pagtutula - dula. marami pa akong internal na kontradiksyon dahil sa sitemang lumalamon sa atin. isa itong napakalaking hamon. tunay akong nasasaktan sa mga nagwawalang bahala, mga dating ako, na walang pakialam sa pagkat hindi nila nararnasan ang nararanasan ng karamihang Pilipinong naghihirap, pinagsasamantalahan.

very given. very obvious.


napapaiyak ako sa kantang, "bayan ko hindi pa tapos ang laban mo. isulong mo, isulong mo rebolusyon ni bonifacio..."


ano kaya title nito?

ano kaya nag mag susunod na magaganap sa kasalukuyang tensyon?

indecisive for the past 18 years

I have been wanting to write all the bottled spasms welling inside.I have long been confused, long been tired, long been sleeping and long been thinking of everything. It's hard to think of everything I realized just then.It's hard to justify why you do one thing and unprioritize the other and sometimes be left hurting over idle times, the happiest times.

Yes, I have never thought that the idle times would actually be my refuge. ANd right now I love refuge more than anything else.But then how come I always feel so rotten after neglecting my responsibilities. Take this, I already have three absences in a major subject. (that's consecutive) the fourth day I went to class and was bombarded with an examination which I absolutely knew nothing about. Thus, a big zero.I have one absence for each of my six classes.Two for weight training. I had already three mediocre reports for different majors all hurriedly researched, read and composed around the wee hours of 4am to 12 noon. I sleep in class for one thing. I go to class unprepared and just keep mum for the rest of the period without contributing to the discussion, tantamount to i-feel-so-dull-and-stupid-plus-sleepy-amidst-energetic-bright-not-haggard-UP-students.And I have UP Repertory Company. A long colorful story of a rebirth, an awakening of 17 years of ceaseless passivity and a realization of a dream. UP Rep, I could say, like my child, though ironically i am her child, is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.Plus a bunch of happy, sad and agitated stories I could never leave behind.

And now comes "call centering". My new found life and a need. Who would like to lleave something that gives you 5thou every 15 days. The source and support of my air - conditioned room, my ukay sprees, my books and readings, my unlimited food trips, my unsolicited gifts for my sisters,my existence in the most mundane perspective and I guess real independence from my parents. Who wouldn't want to "unburden" your mama and papa? i can't leave as of now.Maybe for the money or for someone? (sh*t)

MAybe I need a strong sense of decision. A self check. and it's so hard to decide. (ka level ng death is inevitable! putek)(hello aika? kumusta tayo diyan? pagdedecide ba kamo? kulelat tayo diyan! gaga! ni flavor ng century tuna di ka nga makapagdecide e)There.Am I doomed? By my own self? This is really hard. And I know this is not an isolated case. Other people out there are far more experiencing a complexity more complicated than mine. But the point is my complexity, my contradictions.Or is it selfishness?

help

i just can't resist.

it's an overrated topic. but i badly need real advice. how do I stop myself from sleeping from nine to ten hours a day?

true. i get home at around 8am and I sleep at around that hour and the next thing would be waking up at around 9-10pm. very unproductive meaning I am not able to exert any effort for my studies (at all) and my other big responsibilities just because of oversleeping. sometimes i even think im experiencing a sleeping disorder. i don't even wake up in between those times. just straight sleep and unproductivity. and worse once im able to wake up and dress myself for the start of my day (which is roughly 10pm putek)i am still sleepy. this is scary.

help.

my roommates even played about this. just yesterday they were betting on me while i was sleeping (again). They were making a bet on what time i would most likely wake up. ("anong oras kaya gigising si aking? vhanuk:3pm, crystal:6pm kung sino mananalo ililibre ni aking sa mcdo) and i woke up at 1:30pm. amazing. but that's not the end of the story. i slept again at around 4pm after eating lunch and woke up at 9pm. shit.

please help me.

by the way i am working at night from 11pm to 6am. sometimes 3am. =(

from nine hours of sleep

i woke up at around three thirty in the afternoon and realzed this is not fun anymore. i am truly unproductive. like right now i am updating my blog and changing my favorite pink asian template into this yellow green dots (murag malunggay cge na lang) just because i have so much to do but no will to start what im supposed to do. speaking of my template i was really irritated because everytime i try to view my blog it's simply unfixed and undone when i use the pink template. i hate it especially when you know you have spent three or more hours and it just won't show up the way you want it to. (yawa jud) So there I switched to this more conventional but pretty pleasant template.


Speaking of my unproductive self, i curse myself for sleeping all the time.I sleep for about nine hours regularly after my call center shift and go to my classes still sleeping while walking the hall ways and listening to the lectures. True. My prof was really irritated when she saw me about to fall from my chair from dozing in her subject. (tang*na, para akong nagdance move sa mga antok-naantok-na-ko-award moves, bigtym) my seatmates were suppressing their laughter. syet.

*******************************************************************************************

I read the newspapers these days due to GloriaMagnanakawSinungaling Arroyo. I was empathizing myself with her. And there was only one thing I am sure she should do. She must step down to serve the Filipino people.That's the only way.

Just Like A Splendid Love Song,

Spending my days with you
Is like living in a world of fancy
With all the beautiful people I know
Makin' love in a world of vivid colours
How often have I been there


Well it really doesn't matter
As long as we're together


You and me, together we will journey
To seek and see the colours of our fantasies
Come to life with the stroke of your soothing hands
All the questions of life
I will come to understand


Seasons come and seasons go
Stars will shine and lose their glow
But every time I try to look back, I know


You and me in love with each other
There will be no problems that will bother
Just the two of us painting a world of our own
Everything is perfect
Just like a splendid love song

il be back soon

in the mean time...it's fixing time.

shyet

i miss you bloggy!


toooooo mannnyyy thooouuuggghhhttts


so little time


i never cease to hunger for my self, my ideas, my world and the world.

hala

blog addict ako?

hindi naman ako marunong ng html ekek...

anyways, how are you?


LAZY LIFE ironically BUSY LIFE TOO


these days...

i wake up at three in the morning. i take a bath. I get deressed for work. I walk the streets of KNL in the wee hours making my way to the tryks, crossing the footbridge in philcoa and finally boarding a bus to ortigas. i do this everyday.

So alone. I set foot in the Union Bank Tower and make my way up to the 14th floor towards my call center company, ICT Group.The office is way too cold for a person who grew up with an electric fan.

COLD. describes the feeling, the place the situation.

For four hours I call Americans and offer them the credit cards. Sometimes I end up being "fucked" (Fuck you people!)and sometimes "thanked" (Thank you for getting me out of your list!)

Haggard.

And it's really funny when you talk with all these strangers with such funny names as Mr. Sardinas, Mr. Haggard, Ms. Flood, Mr. Kupal, Mr. King kong Lee and the likes. Although it's petty at least there's that lighter side of the whole routinary situation.

Thanks to my co workers and my mama! They keep me sane and inspired to continue such endeavors.

Shalamat batch33

I love you ma!

Im crossing my fingers that I could last till July?

I hope I could...
I Hope I...
I hope...
I...

every 5:30 pm meteorgardenish

nostalgic talaga ang meteor garden mania!

hanggang ngayon, inaabangan ko pa rin ang walang kamatayang f4 at shancai sa muling pagbabalik ng meteor garden sa abs. jola na kung jola. it never fails to make me feel giddy. ilang beses ko na siyang napanood pero hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako nagsasawa. Siguro habang buhay na akong hindi magsasawa.

anong meron?madali lang sagutin yan. alam kong alam mo kung paano ka pinakikilig ng buong kwento. pinapangiti sa mga eksenang paulitulit mo ng pinanuod. ang eksplenasyon na alam mong sa panunuod nito parang nakikita mo ang pangarap na magkaroon ng sarili mo ring meteorgardenish na istorya.pangarap.relate. ilusyon.

gusto ko bang maging si shancai? oo nyaman.babarilin ko ang magsasabing hinsi.ulol. sinong ayaw mahalin ng dalawang intsik? hahahaha sinong ayaw magkaroon ng buhok na kahit binuhobuhol mo na e ang ganda ganda pa tin. pink pa ang pisngi. kahit na ang pangit na ng combination minsan ng damit niya bagay pa rin. pero hanggang diyan lang yan. hahahaha

gusto ko ng sarili kong istorya. kahit di meteorgardenish. pwede ring space garden, star garden, star margarine, butter...

nostalgic

No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I’m here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I’m here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You’re safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you


All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me


Then say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you


Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me, each night, each morning


Say you love me


You know I do

Love me,
that's all I ask of you
…
(They kiss. Raoul lifts Christine off her feet, into his arms and holds her)
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you

I now have a job as a sales representative in ICT Group.

I am crossing my fingers about my shifting status.

I am hoping that my scholarship would approve my endeavors.

one creepy night: april 28

actually april 29 na cya kung tutuusin. around 2:30 ng umaga.

natutulog ako ng mahimbing at MAAGA (9:30, isng malaking himala sa taong tulad ko na natutulog ng 3am usually).

SCARY talaga ang naranasan ko.

may nanloob sa boarding house namin. sobra ang pasasalamat ko kay papa jesus at ginising niya ako.

off ang lahat ng lights sa bhaus. madilim. tanging ang tunog ng fan lang ang maririnig.

habang mahimbing na mahimbing akong natutulog sa upper bunk ng double deck kasama ang aking roomate na si aira, bigla kong naramdaman na may humipo sa upper leg ko malapit sa puwet. Isang malamig na kamay. Kamay ng isang lalaking hindi ko kilala.Bigla akong bumagon at nagmura: "p*tangna!". Biglang kumaripas ng takbo ang lalaki palabas ng bahay. Palabas ng gate. Lumundag cya sa mataas na bakod ng gate.

Natulala ako. Hindi ako makasigaw. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa nangyari. May point pa na sinabi ko sa sarili ko na baka panaginip lang. Pero alam ko nakita ko talaga nag kriminal paakyat na sa higaan ko. Nahipo na nga ako. Tulala lang talaga ako. TAKOT na TAKOT. Agad ko na lang pinagtetext ang mga kaibigan ko. Naiyak ako sa takot.

Alam niyo yung feeling na you have been sheltered all your life then viola, may ganitong pangyayari. Isang lalaki ang pumasok at muntik ng...

Paano kung hindi ako nagising noong mga panahong iyon. Paano kung hindi ako nagising sa panahong hinawakan ako ng kriminal.

Kinabukasan nalaman namin na nawala nag wallet ni aira.

Buti na lang ang pinuntahan agad ako ni vhanuk at wenna. Hindi na ako nakatulog ng mga pananahong iyon.

Sobrang nakakatakot.

I've never been assaulted like this.

=(

busy kuno

tatawa muna ako!

hahahahahhahahahahhah

It's been a long time, long time... (yung kanta yan ni aaliyah!)

Ang tagal ko ng di nakapag - update sa blog ko. Hindi pa naman siguro ako napag - iwanan ng panahon. Busy lang naghahanap ng trabaho, naghahanap ng pera, naghahanap sa sarili, naghahanap sa buhay at kung anu - ano pa hinahanap ko. Yung nawawala kong panty hinahanap ko! hahay.

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, o di kaya mga linggo na kung tutusin, inaayos ko ang magulo kong buhay. Matagal na cyang magulo. Kung ikukumpara ko siya sa isang papel ka level na niya yung tissueng manipis, gusot - gusot pero pilit na inaayos at kulang na lang e plantsahin. OA pakinggan pero totoo. HInahanap ko talaga ang direksyon ko. Nakakapagod na nga e.

Pero may mga malaki akong achievements ngayon tulad ng pag - aaply ko sa call centers. Kahit naiinis ako sa mga nakadikit na signs sa loob ng mga kompanyang to (tulad na lamang ng, "English is the only language spoken here") kailangan ko talaga ng pera. Tapos mahirap pala siya, pero fulfilling. Yung tipong kasabayan mo e mga professionals na, mga tatay, nanay, ate at kuya, basta matanda na. Tapos ako sweet 18! hehe..

To make the long long story short.. I'm on my way to the last hirit, Final interview. Whew!

I just hope my next post would be about my success story! =D

Marami pa akong dapat i - update sa life ko. But who cares? Basta...

i miss these people =D

Amelie:weird and beautiful

"So your bones aren't made of glass, you can take life's knocks. If you let this chance go by, eventually your heart will become dry and brittle as my skeleton..."

Chances and cowardice spells clash.

Amelie. Everyone's telling me to watch it and I finally did.

Another addition to my favorite films. I think everybody likes it. I don't care but it made me smile. A rare smile combined with fascination of the eccentricity and weirdness of Amelie.

I love to see the world in the outside. To think outside yet to still hope that everything would all be alright in the inside. The orange quality of Amelie's life. I don't know but I see it that way. she spells the word change and different.

It's very true how I sometimes end up thinking how many people must have been kissing right now? ARE THERE INSOMNIACS OUT THERE SIPPING THEIR BESTFRIEND COFFEE AT THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING TYPING THINGS LIKE WHAT i'M DOING?oR How many could be rushing to the hospital looking forward to a new baby in the family? Have couples been making love right now and enjoying every minute of it? Who could probably be eating an oreo dipped in peanut butter? Whatever. The possibilities would be larger than life, that's for sure.Whatever, whatever...


Life is really... (a trillion probable things or even more to complete this cliche)

It reminded me again of my wishes.


How happy it is to ride on a motorbike with the someone. To snuggle your face behind his neck and have that look of bliss upon the mere fact of being with each other. The priceless comfort of you holding behind his back, feeling each other as the wind blow straight to your face making you feel so beautiful like never before.


Or to make that "DIFFERENCE".


red wallpaper.moscow.treasure box.artichoke.bangs.photos.red sneakers.album.motorbike.bar.hypochondriac.painting.waiter.blue arrows.horror train.jacket.letters.red wine.fish.keys.strategem. woooooooooo...


the details were unconventional but familiar. (ironic)

Even their kiss was unusual. silence. longing. eccentric.


amelie.weird and beautiful.

hala alas kwatro y medya na ng umaga

hindi pa rin ako makatulog. Apat na magkakasunod na araw na akong ganito. nakakatakot, hindi na ako dinadaanan ng antok. hindi ako to. kakambal ko ata ang salitang tulog kaysa pagkain.


marami kasing bagay ang gumugulo sa buhay ko ngayon. sobrang dami. at nahihiya ako dahil sobrang narsisismo ang pinagsusulat ko dito. repleksyon na ba to ng mga bagay - bagay na bumagbagabag sa akin. hindi na naman ako masay. hindi ko rinmasasbing malungkot ako. parang wala lang direksyon. wala akong konkretong mga plano hindi lang para sa ikauunlad ko kundi ng mundo sa kabuuan. naiinis lang talga ako kasi puro na lang ako ang iniisip ko.basta.

minsan wala na talga akong ibang inisip kundi maghanap, gawin ang mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa akin. umabot sa puntong hindi ko rin naman nararamdaman ang pagiging kontento.

masyado ata akong vague.

ayoko nung selfish ako.

siguro may isa lang talaga akong gustong mangyari.


yung maibahagi ko yung sarili ko. ewan ko kung sa ano, kung sa sino o kung sa paano.


ang gulo ko. nakakayamot.

pakulam

gusto ko ipakulam ang magnanakaw.


im calm now.ninakawan na ako ng anim na panties sa yakal residence hall. i don't care for their damn publicity. kainis talaga mga magnanakaw.

orange and red checks, 2 plain ones, a yellow green and a purple one with flower prints.


kailangan konh palakpakan ang sarili ko sa hhindi pagmumura dito. sobra yung galit na naramdaman ko kagabi.


I thank the people I texted who cared. It's petty but if you think about it sobrang haggard yung magsuot ng panty ng iba. Isipin nyo yun. Isipin nyo.

Buhay pa siya may limos na siyang panty sa akin.

apples

Minsan naiisip ko, sino kaya una kong makakasex?
Tama lang naman na isipin ko yun diba?
Masarap kay yun?
Sinasabi ng utak ko, oo.
Sinasabi ng puso ko, depende kung sino
Sinasabi ng keps ko, masakit...
...pero addictive
Haaay...
Hindi ako naniniwala sa preservation of virginity
Naniniwala akong practice makes perfect
Naniniwala din akong mas masaya
Kung sa minamahal
May romantic involvement, kailangan
May kislap sa mga mata
May ardent desire
May konsepto ng kandila
Ng soft music
Ng white o pink sheets
Ng champagne
Ng lingerie
Ng aftershave
Ng bath tub with warm water and flowers
Ng condom...
Kung di pa ako tapos sa pag - aaral
Yung tipong wala akong pangamba
Maiiyak ako sa halong galak, sakit, sarap
Mutual satisfaction dapat
Langit?
Tapos may aftermath
May yakapan ng magkatabi lang
May `Never Saw Blue Like That' mode
At sa tabi ng kama
May apples

sipping coffee

Sipping my coffee. Wanting to write. Nothing.

Aika, what would be the three things that would make you happy?

That would be...

*work in a call center. I want to generate my own income. I have to. I think I have to. With my hedonist lifestyle, it's a must
*ukay, shopping. enough said
*go home and be with my family
a.k.a Go'd bonus -> boyfriend?




Aika, what is happiness?

That's quite elusive. People are insatiable. I am insatiable. So I guess true happiness comes in small packages . Say flowers, yellow ones, chocolates, tofi luk, good grades, about 1.25, kiss, french, strawberries, with in milkshake and even sex, with a super loved one. And if it comes all together, it's called super happiness. haha. Profound. (What do you want to call it then? Huh? Helur?)



Aika, are you happy?

I can't answer that.
Sometimes when I am asleep, I think I am happy. How's that?

spontaneous a.k.a walang kwenta

try ko lang magsulat ng walng kwenta.alm mo yung tipong sinusulat mo lang kung ano nilalaman ng utak mo. halimbawa ngayong gusto ko kumain ng pizza, kaso wala na kong pera. tapos masarap matulog.kelangan ko pa palang maglaba ng undies.kmusta na kaya sila sa bahay. magazine.cosmopolitan.yung libro tungkol sa italya. masarap yung panyo. ano raw? masarap yung panyo.heheheehehe... hindi pa ako nagdinner. meron kayang mabibilhan dito ng adobo? hmmm... lilinisan ko yung room ko pagkauwi ko sa dorm.gusto ko ng magshower. ang bango at ng body wash. yung phone ko laging no space for new messages. iba na talaga pag unlimited. hekhek.ang lamig nung aircon. teka wala na siyang sense diba? yung nga yung point e. dapat wala etong sense... gets? gets? gets aaww..

masarap mag - adobo ngayon o di kaya bermonts.

feels like breathing

Finally, it's good to feel like breathing again. After evrything I went through this week and even last last week, or shall I say my entire 2 years in college, it's a very rare oppurtunity to feel myself breathing, smiling, typing, blogging and doing things for the mere fun of it.

Ahhhhhhhh...


Let's have an assessment slash survry of what I've done.


Italian12 - My favorite since first year college. My passion. I'm quite disappointed i was not able to finish up to Italian 13. Performance: mediocre but there's a sense of learning without forcing. =D


Environmental Science I - Zzzzzz... Except for the yellow guy. =D
Exams - Not okay. Attendance - very okay. Learning - Uh?


Kasaysayan II - World History slash high school revival of my Filipino class. Fun. fun. fun... We had objective exams, over haggard "creative reports" and happy classmates! grade - very okay!!! wink. wink =D

English 21 - My favorite professor, Prof. Carlos Aureus. Very inspiring. He's one of those few individuals who makes you realize that life is worth every little thing, every Beowulf, every Sir Gawain, every great Shakespeare, every Spanish lessons, every grapology lesson, every life lesson, every compassionate, passionate mentor and unbelievably kind! Whew! Too good to be real. I would not want to be like him because I can't be anything like him because he is one unique, lovable person. Sir, you are a winner and a legacy in your own right. Shet. Performance and interest - 100 percent.

English 22 - Shelley, Keats , Tennyson and Lord Byron. Romanticism next level. And Prof Edna next level. happy. I've learned that it is a man's duty never to be idle! wahekehekhek... =D dba Skylark? Quizzes - poor but happy

CL111 - Short Stories = Ivy Goodman = A for best. I had a very hard time with all these postmodern, modern thingys! That's it. I'm quite miserable. I am a mute in this subject/ looking - dumb - as - ever. papers - very late.

UP Rep - This subject allows me to be me. This subject is haggard but this subject takes my breath away. hahaha.. Ang Maria production, Chalk dilemma, audience dilemma, Lola Maria and junjun... I miss it already! hehehe grade - 101! hmmm!

That's it. I'm through.

Inhale!

Exhale!

=D

missing

"ang sarap magmahal lalo na kapag wala kang hinihiling na kapalit. Ang sarap magmahal lalo na kapag nakikita mong masaya siya. ang sarap magmahal...ang sarap" -Ate Summer-


miss ko ng magmahal. hinahayaan ko na naman ang sarili kong maging corny at maging pathetic. pero totoo, miss ko ng magmahal.

alam kong alam niyo kung ano ang tinutukoy ko. marami akong mahal kasi naman tao ako at mahal ko lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay. pero iba yung mahal na napapatawa ka at naibabahagi mo yung sarili mo.

siguro hindi pa talaga ukol kasi naman pinagpipilitan ko ang mga bagay na hindi pa naman talaga ukol. walang bukol. ukol. bukol. ano pa man. miss ko ng mgmahal.

siguro masarap yun.

sabi nga ni ate summer. masarap daw. siguro masarap at masaya at kakaiba. hindi maipaliwanag. kaya nga pilit kong iniintindi yung mga taong nagsasabing, "basta.alam mo na yan pag siya na nga. mararamdaman mo na lang," pag tinatanong tungkol sa mga minamahal nila.

wala pa ata ako dun.

siguro pagdumating yun. dilaw yung mundo ko. pero may konting bahid ng pink ang paligid ko. At siguro sobrang saya akong maliligo at magbibihis ng puti o kaya dilaw na damit. Siguro biglang maglalasang ubas ang mansanas. yung tipong ganun.

isang malaking pagbabago na sobrang ikakasaya ko.

iniisip ko na lang, mas matagal mas masarap. kaso hindi masyadong masarap yung paghihintay.

basta. hindi lang pink at dilaw ang dulot. pati yung ngiti ko nun, pinaghalong green, pink, purple, yellow at orange...

mmmmmmmm... sarap nun!

escapist

ngayon lang ako tunay na nakapagbakasyon. ibang klaseng bakasyon ang tinutukoy ko. Nagsimula ito noong wed.23 hanggang ngayong easter sunday. back to reality.

nag - inuman kami sa marikina noong miyerkules at once in a lifetime na nakumpleto na naman ang berks. eew.(kadiri) hehehe. pero sobrang saya.

happy birthday agnes.

nagmarathon movie o naturally called movie marathon (kakapagod mag erase)kami at nakiapid sa bahay nila wenna. =D napanood ko ang Bliss.Passion of the Christ.Someone Like You.Magnifico(huhuuh).Big Fish.Breakfast at Tiffany's.Meteor Garden Marathon =D.at isang mahabang bonding sa gwapalambalamba. haha

dreamworld yata ang pinasukan ko. nood lang lagi movies, kain ng kung anu - ano kahit walang pera. walang tigil na kuwentuhan ng mga pangarap, wishes, lalaki, sex, pangarap.at kung anu - ano pa.

=D =D =D =D =D

ngayon nakakalungkot man. kailangan ko lang magtapos ng apat na papers, dalawang exams at shifting. yun lang =(

wish:i want so much to meet someone. one who would light my semi - darkness and silence my everything in between...


img src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y32/eyeka/8993770239228l.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

YIPEEE!!!

Medyo ironic to sa recent post ko!

But nobody can stop me!

I am so happy I just passed my final paper in English21 due today at 12 midnight.

And it's 11:20!


Galing ko!

Buzzer beater!



Yooooohhoooo

i love you

Last Sunday, exactly dawn of Sunday, I received one of the worst news in my entire life. Rea's mother passed away.

I was shocked. That is even an understatement consideringI knew her mama so much and I knew Rea and Rea's a very close friend and I don't want things like that happening to people I love. <I know no one would want that either>

Life can really be so harsh. You could not control nor fight God's ways. You can cry.You can accept. But. there's this big but of TIME. Time alone could heal so much pain. So much pain. More and more time. Sad.

It was three in the morning and without hesitation, i texted my mother and my papa how much I love them. Maybe that's one very important lesson I've learned when I got here in Manila (so far away from Surigao0, eversince I vowed to always text my parents I love you once each day.

We can never tell.

i am sad.

rea, i love you!

unassertive

Assertive adj 1: inclined to bold and confident assertion; aggressively self-assured; "an energetic assertive boy who was always ready to argue"; "pointing directly at a listener is an assertive act" [ant: unassertive] 2: confidently aggressive; "too assertive as a salesman"; "his self-assertive and unflagging energy" [syn: self-asserting, self-assertive]

I don't know where to begin. It seems that I am pulling myself down these past few years. years? haha I realized I failed to assert myself in so many ways. I realized I was too concerned with what people would say. I realized that I was paying attention to pleasing people when in fact it's an impossibility.

I want to grow but I guess I am to blame for being a hindrance to my own growth. Maybe I am not making any sense but really I need to ASSERT myself big time and I don't really know where to begin.

Unang Bundok: Daguldol

Noong maabot ko na ang tuktok ng Bundok Daguldol sa Batangas kahapon, wala akong nagawa kundi ang tumunganga at napabulong ako sa aking sarili, "Ang sarap ng buhay!".

Tatlong oras kong tinahak ang nasabing bundok at sa kauna - unahng pagkakataon nagawa ko na ang isa sa mga pinapangarap ko sa buhay:ang makarating sa tuktok ng isanf bundok. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang sobrang gaan ng lahat ng mga bagay sa paligid. Para akong hinugutan ng kaluluwa. Iba.

Walong taon na ang nakararaan at tandang - tanda ko pa ang pagpapapnggap kong umakyat ng bundok sa pamamagitan ng mga malalaking bato sa tabi ng bahay namin. Para ako noong tanga. Alam mo yung sobrang baba ng mga bato, pinipilit kong isipin na malalaking bundok ang mga yun at nagdadala pa ako ng packbag para kunwari paglagyan ko ng tubig. Wow. Isang pangarap na naman ang natupad ko. =D

"Oist! Right now I'm at the peak of Mt. Daguldol and I am looking down upon a sea of breathtaking greenery. Kahit mamatay na ako ngayon ok lang!!!" tinext ko laht halos ng mga kaibigan ko pagkadating ko s atuktok ng bundok na may signal! whew!

Hindi basta - basta kong sinuyod ng tatlong oras ang nasabing bundok. Ngunit sapat na ang pakiramdam ng kalikasan at personal na meditasyon at pagpapahalaga sa sarili at kalusugan. Feeiling sobrang healthy at sobrang stress - free activity. Sobrang masrap. Kaaya - aya.

At ng gabi ng Sabado, nagcamp kami sa dalampasigan ng San Juan Batangas na sadyang nasa baba na ng bundok.

Sobrang sarap ang pakinggan ang unggol ng mga alon. Gusto kong magdrama. Ang daming bituin sa langit at isang halong gaspang at lambot ang handog ng mga buhangin sa aking mga paa. Masaya.

Nakaupo ako at kinkanta ang kung ano man ang naisip kong mga kanta noong mga panahong iyo. Wala ako sa sarili ngunit patuloy ang malalim na pag - iisip. Malalim at buhay.

Ang sarap talaga sa tuktok ng Daguldol.

Bridges of Madison County: amputa

"I haven't read a more poetic novel than this. 10% mush and 90% profound love..." Aika Castillo (acclaimed beauty)

Just last night, I texted Crystal at around three am. I have just finished reading "The Bridges of Madison County" by Robert James Waller. And I was sobbing like a kid who lost her paper dolls.

I know I was really overdoing it. But what I thought to be a sleeping potion was actually a heart - crusher in the most literal sense. I am 50 percent cynical about love. And I especially hate mush. Though I want mush for myself. Human nature.

I didn't like The Notebook at all. It's so idealistic. (No offense)

And I won't say I love Bridges of Madison County. I was just super amazed at how my tears were falling non - stop as I was reading th last pages. The letters of Robert and Francesca.

The novel was about old people. Let's say mature people. Mature people who finally found the One. But due to the harsh complications of the woman being married and with children, obviously there was no happy couple in the end. It's always like that.

If not one would die of disease, they would die without having fully enjoyed each others company. That's just waht happened exactly in Bridges.

I admit it was super sad to not be with the one you love, not just actually love but the one who keeps you alive in the most physical and spiritual sense, because such certainty would happen only once. I could just imagine the pain of loving someone but not being with that someone, not even communication, not even his/her sight. Chet.

I would say the novel was poetic because it featured so many quotable lines (waiting to become cliches in the near future) and points to ponder not just about love but about photography, modernity, technology, woman, man and life in general.

I admire Waller for his language. Superb!

Sana nga...
"In a world of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once and never again, no matter how many lifetimes you live." Robert Kincaid

march na marchan marcha

wow. tagal ko di nakapag - update a. Sabagay wala talaga akong panahon. March na naman. Kaso wala naman siguro yan sa buwan, nasa paggamit ng oras at pagbibigay importansya sa panahon. Wala namang bago. Pati bedsheet ko hindi bago. Walang bago.

March. Women's month. Manood nga pala kayo ng produksiyon namin, "Ang Maria". Gusto ko nga rin manood ng Vagina Monologues kaso ang mahal naman kasi. Mabuhay ang kababaihan. Mabuhay si Aika, si Flor, si Pamela, si Bea, si Vanuk, si Agnes, si Wenna, si Irish, si Cryatal, si Cy, si Leah, si Joy, si Mary Ann at si Don! hehehe Mabuhay ang lahat ng mga kababaihang nagbibigay buhay sa sangkatauhan.

Sabi nga ng Prof ko kahit kailan hindi naging mas mababa ang babae. Dahil kahit si Kristo ay piniling mapasaloob sa tiyan ng isang dakilang babae, si Maria.

In view of that, manood kayo ng Ang Maria ng UP Rep! =D

Hindi Makatulog

Hindi ako makatulog. Galing akong bloodbath sa Rep. Haggard ako. Happy din ako. Pagod din ako. Alam ko wala kayong pakialam. Basta. Nakikinet na naman ako kay mariani. Addict na talaga ako sa blog. Shet. Ang dami ko pang babasahin. Wala na akong pera. Sana magkaraket na ako. Sana makapag - unwind din ako as soon as matapos ang prod.=D Isa lang masasabi ko, kahit pagod na ako, alam ko masaya ako sa ginagawa ko at pinagpapaguran ko... hoo.... plastic aika! heheehehe.

But this is true. =D

With or Without You

Currently, I love the Gregorian Chant version... (courtesy of my roomie=D)
Although nothing beats U2's original version!


See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

ayokong aminin

TULONG!!!!! paano ba maglink at hanapin yang p*tang*nang URL ng photo ko! shet. Hirap maging computer illiterate. CHET!

jigsaw

I am at the point of confusion. A point where not even myself could fathom what has been going through my mind. But still the following aligns with self analysis. Narcissism.

I was thinking about Valentines Day and how I hated myself for not being able to attend the MOB. I don't need to reiterate how budget cut sucks. I just felt a genuine sense of disappointment. That fateful Feb.14, I woke up at one in the morning and didn't go back to sleep all through out the day. I had a 7am class. I wore my bright red, plain shirt for the mobilization. I had a major report. I had my final exams in Italian12. I was supposed to attend the rally. But obviously I could not. I was thinking maybe I am really a weakling. For not being able to prioritize the things in my life. And i stayed late that same day for about 10pm for Rep prod rehearsals.

Everytime I go home in Yakal Hotel, I want to smash my red pail. It reminds me of robots. Unfortunately, I am the robot. It's the whole process of taking a bath, arranging my bed and table until it's spic and span, drinking Nescafe ice (current addiction) and 20 minutes later I'm off to dreamland. almost every night, I do this. And in the morning, I wake up and take a bath with my red pail.

There's no text message in my 3310 cellphone. Nothing new.


I love acting. But somehow, I got tired of rehearsing everyday. I adore the limelight and the fact that I would be performing onstage. And it has always been my belief that as long as I love what I am doing, I would endure whatever sacrifices and risks it entails. Sadly, everyday I feel the need to escape. I dream of vacation. I am running away. From the simplest notion of waking up on a Saturday morn with nothing to do up to wild imaginings of Baguio and Venice. I just want to do nothing. Be idle for once.

Professor Carlos Aureus is a very inspiring man.

I never thought I would thirst for so much knowledge. In my entire high school life i was not that exposed to a world that would conjure freedom, knowledge, social events, politics, culture and everything in between. Back then I just know they exist. But now I want them learned and experienced by me before I reach 20. I want to learn. Literally, I thirst for books.

I have always loved foreign languages. especially the romance languages. Especially Italian.


Ma, nganong pobre man ta? (translation: Ma, why are we poor?)I am poor and so is the world. Every night in my orange bed I think about the poor. (Which would also mean I think a lot about myself) Really. My subjects in the university always talks about 16th and 17th century England. The time of Industrial Revolution, Renaissance and unstable government. The time when the people from the countryside rushed to the cities to seek for jobs as the Industrial Revolution arose. Poverty super existed. What I am saying is that our country resembled the 16th and 17th century England.Ha.

I sleep a lot. I sleep during my free time. Like one and a half hours before my classes and before rehearsals.

I am complete with or without you. But having you is a bonus. I heard that somewhere.

Kahit gaano man kalalim o kababaw ang ilog, hanggang sa dibdib pa rin yan ng mga bibe. I read that somewhere. And I laughed. Nonsense.

Coherent?

Canon in D major. =D

a bicycle, a sunny day, an open road

Somewhere in the countryside of Austria there was this open road. No people at all. Just the open road and the green, brown plains at both sides of the road. It was divided into two lanes. Concrete cement. At around 8 o'clock in the morning when the sun has just started to shine for that day, I rode my bike with no particular destination. Japan perhaps.

I pedaled and went on and on all through out the smooth, wide road. It was like yoga. I thought only of how wonderful it is to be riding my bike in such a fine weather, in such a desrted place where no one would care, no one to bother me. As I biked, the wind was blowing through my cheeks. Although I could not see it, I know it flushed pink. It was healthy like apples freshly picked. Surprisingly, my feet never tired. I felt free. Free and dreamy...

bud jet kut

Hindi man lang ako nakasama sa mob noong ika – labing apat ng pebrero. Nasa plano ko na talaga ang magwalk out sa klase ko. Minsan lang ako makaramdam ng sobrang pagka – agit. Chet (pronounced as “syet”) talaga. Umaga pa lang pulang – pula na ang suot ko hindi dahil valentines.

Grabe na yang 357 M na budget cut. Ito na yata ang pinakamalaking budget cut sa kasaysayan ng UP. Sa totoo lang yan na talaga. Chet. Ibang klase talaga ang gobyerno. Ibang klase sa pagpraprioritize. Hanep. Kaya ba lalong naghihirap ang bansang ito? Talaga. Isipin mo na lang kung gaano hindi pinapahalagahan ang edukasyon. Para saan pa at isa tayong State U kung unti – unti ng pinapabayaan ng pamahalaan ang responsibilidad nito. UP naming mahal. UP naming unti – unti ng nagiging mahal. Chet. Noong biyernes, nag – ED sa akin si ate Jet tungkol dito. Maliban sa mga statistics o konkretong mga figures na sinabi niya sa akin, nakakalungkot at nakakagalit na talaga ang pagpapabaya ng pamahalaan. Inuuna ang mga pagbabayad sa debt servicing bago serbisyong sibiko at panlipunan. Naaprove nga nong Disyembre 2004 sa Kongreso ang budget na umano’y 4.162B na lamang mula sa 4.52B noong nakaraang taon. At kung tutuusin, mahigit kumulang 4.9B ang prinopose ng UP Administration ngayong taong ito. Grabe. Kahit di ko na ulitin, lahat ata ay tutol dito. Malamang.

Gusto ko lang ishare ang natutunan ko sa ED kung saan ba o paano naipapamahagi o naitutustos ang budget ng UP. Ayon sa natutunan ko, may tatlong prinsipal na pinapatunguhan ang pondo. Una na doon ang personal services, pangalawa ang MOOE Maintenance and other Operating Expenditures, at pangatlo ang Capital Otlay. Ayoko naman talagang maging teknikal pero gusto ko lang talga i share ang mga ito. Walang pakialamanan. Ang personal services ay tumutukoy sa serbisyo at pagpapasweldo sa mga UP faculties, ang MOOE ay sumasaklaw naman sa pagpapanatili ng mga pasilidad ng unibersidad tulad ng elektrisidad, tubig, ilaw, upuan, blackboard at lahat na; at ang capital outlay ay yung pondong ginagamit sa pagpapatayo ng bagong mga gusali at imprastraktura dito sa unibersidad kasama na dito ang mga colleges at waiting sheds atbp. Gayon (wala lang) mas malinaw kung saan napupunta ang pondo at mas malinaw na talagang importante ang sapat na budget dahil nanganganib na talaga ang kalagayan natin at ng pinakakmamahal nating UP. Alam ko na alam ito (dapat alam ito) ng bawat estudyante, ng mga tunay na iskolar ng bayan. Ini – emphasize ko lang. At eto pa, sa budget ngayon constant ang sa personal services, ibig sabihin walang pagtataas sa sweldo ng mga empleyado, mas malaki ang naka – allot sa MOOE at mas konti ang sa capital outlay. Ibig sabihin mas malaki ang ginugugol sa pagpapanatili sa mga kagamitan at pasilidad ng unibersidad ng sa gayon ay hindi na bumili ng bago at magmaintain nalang habang buhay. (Ginagawa ko ba kayong bobo? Pasensya)

Basta yun. Chet talaga. Kailangang dagadagan hindi bawasan. Chet. Dapat nating ipagpasalamat at maraming progresibong propesor ang ating pamantasan. Paano na lamang ang kalidad kung sa kalaunan ay mapipilitan ng magsialisan silang mga nagtuturo. At paano na tayong pag – asa ng bayan? (Cliche) Paano maisasakatuparan ang mga pangarap sa tuluyang kapabayaan ng pamahalaan?

Chet. Hindi ako naksama sa rally.
Lucer. May MOB ngayong huwebes. Hindi na naman ako makakasama.
Lucer.
Chet. =(

kuya ralph

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." -Ralph Waldo Emerson-

yellow 

aika gwapa 

aikaganda 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: hmmm

may natutunan ako marami

1. analogy
Wicker Park= romance + psycho obsession
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind= romance + memory erasing machine

2.magkamukha pala si Kate Winslet at si Madonna

3.may potential palang maging serious actor si Jim Carrey

4.cool ang pangalang Clementine kasi may pag - uusapan na kayo sa first meetin mo ng mr.ryt mo. (wink wink) (Hi! I'm Aika Clementine, you can call me Clementine for short...Oh my darling3x Clementine!)

5.Masaya ang magkaroon ng blue, green, red at orange na buhok. mala - jellyace (magugustuhan ka ni Jim.)

6.Nakakatakot ang mga taong walang mukha. Sumisigaw si crystal.

7.Galing pala kay Pope Alexander este kay Alexander Pope ang title.

8.Gusto ko maglaro ng patay - patayan gamit ang unan.

9.Ang pangit ni Elijah Wood.

10.May award - winning role si Kirsten Dunst: siya ay isang tagapamigay ng record tapes. Love ko pa naman sya sa Little Women the Movie.

11.Parang kulay puti ang movie. Ewan ko.

12.Huwag mo naman ipadala sa nanay mo ang Coleman Cooler.

13.Meaningful ang adjective na "nice". Aika is nice.

14.Nakakalungkot sobra ang mawalan ng minamahal lalo na sa mga pagkakataong sobrang maligaya kayo. (Naiyak ako e.)

15.Pagkayo talaga ay para sa isa't - isa, hindi magtatagal, kahit hindi niyo na kilala ang isa't - isa (literally), magkikita kayo sa tren. =D


Sana nga may memory erasing machine noh? Ii - erase ko mga kalawang sa utak ko. Nakaktetanous na... (tama ba spelling?)

english

"Being happy in each others company doesn't necessarily mean being in love" aika

I just thought of this in the last ten minutes

Could anyone slap me and cup my face
and tell me for the hundredth time
that waiting is a virtue.
Yes cupping my face is a must.
No specific reason or rather a hidden reason.
Just a fantasy reality check.
I don't want my angsts anymore.
I don't want my angsts anymore.
How does one get rid of something
which is continually felt?
Maybe a yellow tshirt would wash away
a couple of my sadness

wonderboy wandherbhoy

High above the mucky muck castle made of clouds there sits wonderboy sitting oh so proudly. Not much to say when your high above the mucky muck. yeah. Wonderboy what is the secret of your power? Wonderboy won't you take me far away from the mucky muck now? Now its time for me to tell you about young nasty man, archrival and nemesis of wonderboy with powers comprable to wonderboy. What powers you ask? How bout the power of flight. That do anything for ya? That's levitation holmes? How bout the power to kill a yak? From 200 yards away with mind bullets! that's telekenesis Kyle! How bout the power...to move you? the history of wonderboy and young nastyman. A secret to be told. And no chance to be bold and blasting forth in three part harmony. Wonderboy what is the secret of your power? Wonderboy won't you take me far away from that mucky muck now? Well wonderboy and young nastyman joined forces, they formed a band the likes of which had never been seen! and they called themselves tenacious d. THAT'S RIGHT! Me and KG (that's me) we're now tenacious d. Come fly with me fly! Wonderboy what is the secret of your power? Wonderboy won't you take me far away from the mucky muck. now! Oh take my hand young nastyman. Fly bring out your broad sword. Theres the hydra slice his throat! Grab his scrote! You take the high road. I'll take the low. There at the crevace, fill it with your mighty chest. tenaciousd

Poor

Mahirap walang masabihan. Mahirap ang walang kakampi. Mahirap yung pakiramdam ng nag – iisa lalo na kung alam mong pinapalibutan ka ng mga tao. Mahirap ang paghihintay. Mahirap walang pera. Mahirap maubusan ng panahon. Mahirap magdamdam at magtago ng saloobin. Mahirap tumawa kung hindi ka naman natatawa. Mahirap umiyak na walang tumutulong luha. Mahirap gawin ang mga bagay na dati akala mo siya ng magpapasaya sa iyo. Mahirap paligayahin ang tao sa paligid mo. Mahirap umasa. Mahirap magpanggap. Mahirap ngumiti pag alam mong di kusa. Mahirap matulog ng maraming iniisip.

Mahirap tuparin ang mga pangarap.

Mahirap maghintay sa mga bagay na matagal mo ng ipinagdarasal

Mahirap ang maging malungkot.

Baka regla lang to…

Sana nga regla na lang…

Time will tell the Clock

in filipino "Ang Panahon ang Magsasabi sa Orasan"

Naramdaman niyo na ba yung feeling na hinahabol yung oras? Literal na hinahabol. Yun bang kulang na lang pati paghinga ay wala ka ng panahon. At ang nakakyamot pa ay ang pag aaksaya mo ng oras sa mga sandaling libre ka.( ang tawag ko sa mga sandaling yan ay to-good-to-be-true)

Simula pa lang ng linggo hinahabol na ako ng sandamakmak na readings, papers at org activities. Minsan nakaklimutan ko ng tumae, sa totoo lang. Pagod na pagod na ako. Gusto ko ng mag - aral pero inaantok na ako. Gusto kong mgbasa ngmaraming libro hindi na kaya ng malaking mata ko. Gusto kong mahiga sa kama ko at makinig ng taimtim hindi ko naman nagagawa yun ng hindi iniisip ang mga nakabinbing trabaho. Gusto ko mang pumunta ng SM at manood ng "a long engagement" wala na talagang panahon. Kahit nga gustuhin ko lang pumasok na handa sa discussion, hindi ko rin mgawa dahil sa sobrang dami ng gagawin wala akong masimulan.

Love ko ang sinabi ni kenikenken sa Kule ngayon. "Lulubog ang araw na wala akong nauumpisahan at sisikat ang araw na wala akong natatapos". Close ba tayo kenikenken o sadya lang akong tanga at hindi ko man lang maisip na ang nararanasan ko ngayon ay ang pinakanatural na ngyayari sa isang estudyante? Sa tingin ko, tanga. ako.

Pero kahit tanga ako sa pagbubudget ng oras ko, hindi naman siguro ako ganun kasama para naising sana magkaroon ng dalawang sabado at dalawang linggo o di kaya para mas masaya maraming sabado at linggo. Sunod - sunod yun ha. Haaay... hindi na palaako tanga. tamad.

Time will tell the clock kung kelan kaya mangyayari na sa isang umaga paggising ko: masarap sa pisngi ang pagsikat ng araw. maliligo ako at mag - aamoy bulaklak, kakain ng cinnamon para sa aking agahan, magsusuot ng puting damit at sumbrero na may pink na bulaklak at lalabas ng bahay na nakatsinelas at hahayaan ang oras na magsabi sa mga susunod kong gagawin.

Aksaya talaga ako sa oras. Tulad ngayon.

Time will tell the clock alam mo yun, parang you can never can tell. Basta.

pink

it was not love. it was not folly. i had no name to know it. all i know is that at one certain instant, you held my earth, you held my sky...

El Crimen del Aika Castillo

Simple lang ang krimen ko, actually!

Pero hindi ko mapigilan ang sobrang pagkadismaya sa sarili ko at at sa sarili ko pa. =(

My sleeping disorder na yata ako. Hindi ko na maintindihan. Sa isang araw nakaka sampung oras ako ng tulog. Alas diyes pa lang ng gabi tulog na ako. At sa pagitan ng mga klase ko tulog ako.

Hindi na nakakatuwa.

Marami akong dapat gawin. Naramdaman niyo na ba yung gustong - gustong - gusto mo ng mag - aral tapos ayun, pagising mo alas siete na ng umaga. Wala kang nagawa. Wala akong nagawa. Hindi ako tinatablan ng Nescafe ice at Extra Joss. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. nalulungkot ako dahil ang dami ko ng bagsak na exam.

Hindi na talaga nakakatuwa.

Totoo to. May sleeping disorder ba ako?

This Side ng Mundo Ko

Isang malaking sigh!


Ayoko na ipakilala sarili ko. Sa ibang pagkakataon na lang. Ewan ko ba at bigla akong napadpad dito sa internet cafe at biglaang gumawa ng sarili kong blog.

Sa Mga Nakalipas na Araw...

* Gusto ko lang matulog. Hirap na hirap na ang mga mata ko sa sapilitang pag - aaral ng kung anu - anong exam. Kahit ang Nescafe ice o Extra joss (driver mode)ay hindi ako natatablan.

* Namimiss ko na ang bahay namin at ang mga kapatid kong matatalino. Di sila cute, matalino sila.

* Yung TV sa bahay miss ko na. Wala na akong alam na balita. Ang kahulu hulihulihang chismis na alam ko ay ang pambubugbog ni Dino Guevara kay Kim de los Santos at pagkamatay na rin ni FPJ.

* Gusto ko na ring magtrabaho sa call center.

* Bothered din ako sa isa pang bagay...

Can I sigh again?


Nagbalik loob na pala ako sa Diyos. Nagdasal ako kahapon. Biruin mo, naiyak ako? Hanep Aika!

Pero bothered pa ron ako.

Another sigh! =(